Christmas Card

Empty Ramblings

They say our lives are a sum of our decisions. If you choose to turn left instead of right, do economics instead of MBA, work instead of PHD, stay single instead of getting married. If our lives are  a sum of our decisions then I am scared if I am making the right choices.

My life choices have led me to a cud-de-sac, I spent a portion of my day today thinking how I can get myself out. Maybe its not just the job but everything needs an overhaul... an internal makeover. Maybe the thing missing in my life is a sense of purpose. I always seem to be ready to work hard even if its not really needed.

I literally draw happiness from the smallest things.. I single event can keep me amused for the whole day. It might sound like a good thing but is it.

I have reached a point that if I get worked-up about something I am thinking this will keep me occupied for a while now.

I think my life has too much empty space and I am filling it with insignificance. On the one hand I don't want life to come and take my empty space and fill it with the troubles of life. I don't want worries and unpredictability to occupy the corners. I don't want the centre space to be taken up by events beyond my control. So on one hand I am grateful to have this space, this emptiness and this opportunity to focus on the mundane. But on the other hand I would like to find a purpose to my life. To getup thinking, I want to do this for the rest of my life.

This life of mine

Writing a post after along time... didn't have much to write for awhile. Maybe I still dont :). I realized that we shouldn't past judgement on ourselves or others. Life has too many details, who is to judge  which which ones are the highlights. Doesnt matter what you have done in life... it always ends badly. dying is never a pretty sight atleast in real life. Who is to say you did or didnt have a good life, who gets to say you succeeded or failed. Who is to judge.

The invisible daily triumphs, the moments you felt awesome about yourself, the pat on the back from a friend, spending a great morning, finding something that makes you smile.... why arent these things equally important. Who is to judge. 

Going beyond Boundaries

A Walk to Remember, is a very emotional movie. It has all the right parts, young love, transformation, terminal illness without the ugly bits. Beautiful songs, perfect pitch for emotions. But watching that movie I wondered if anyone was capable of so much love, that they are willing to love unconditionally, without jealousy and resentment. If someone was capable of giving everything up for someone without resentment, without anger. Is anybody able to love someone without judgement, without expectations. And I don't restrict this to romantic love. This question applies to all kinds of love- of a mother, child, sibling, everyone. I cant imagine how it feels to love somebody completely, that you will do anything for them... they become your top priority. They take precedent over your work, everything. They come in between you and your idea of an ideal life. And you are ok with it, you accept somebody completely. I am guessing if anyone feels this, its going to be parents. They would come closest to this stage. But even with them life seems to claw its way back and interrupt this unending love. Issues of a livelihood, practical matters become important, but parents forgo their idea of a life. They come closest to living for someone else. But even for them moments of panic come and go. When they wonder about their individuality, Their identity.

I cant imagine how it would feel like this, to be willing to let go of oneself so completely, that no sacrifice is a sacrifice anymore. To be ready to change your life. Give it all up for someone else. And to do it without resentment or fear.

I seem to cling on to material things like my job for an identity, I think I would be lost without it. I could not imagine giving it up for anyone else. I cant imagine. I need this immaterial thing to define me. I hold on to my fear, as it keeps me on a straight logical line. On the flip side it prevents me from ever doing anything adventurous, anything questioning my identity. I am actually scared of complete freedom. To live one day doing exactly what I want, telling people what I exactly feel. One day without inhibitions, endangering my identity of self. The idea itself is terrifying.

Random or by Design

I get scared when I read about what happened to Michael Schumacher. I am not a car racing fan, I do admit loving top gear but its more for the personalities of those three guys than the cars. What happened to Michael makes no sense to me, logically if he had to be down with a head injury it should have happened during his racing career, not on a skiing holiday. There was not even an avalanche and he is in tremendous shape... remember his neck muscles. Still he is rightnow in coma after surviving a high risk career and lifestyle.

It’s funny when the strongest people around you succumb to depression, the intelligent ones to disease and the idiot of the family bordering on retardation is left to explore life’s endless possibilities. It’s funny that some live on to the age of 79 and are still acting in movies and get nominated for an Oscar but couldn’t attend it because they were shooting another movie in India. Couldn’t guess who, this 79 year old lady was nominated for best actress, still couldn’t guess... no it’s not Meryl Streep. It’s Judy Dench. She has acted in Bond films as ‘M’. Amazing life.

Yesterday was the 2014 Oscars, for those people nominated it would have been a high point in their lives, their one of ‘their best days’. For someone else on the planet, it was their worst day. This picture at the bottom captures that- best day moment for a few. But simultaneously someone was having a mildly bad day, a very bad day, a horrifyingly bad day and someone was having a boring day and decided to write about it. I had my ‘worst day till now of my life’ last year, so I have become a little more appreciative of the boring days and the disappointing days. I think I don’t mind having those for a few more years.

As I get older and as I see those older around me I wonder if we have any say in the life we live, there are the proactive people who have reached the top of their chosen careers and still had bad endings. There are those who have a stream of bad choices but end-up having a dignified end of life. If we knew what was ahead of us, what lies behind that curb, would we walk at all?  

I guess the greatest mystery in life is people and the lives they lead or are led on.

 

Merry Christmas

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas ...

This is called quelling, using paper strips :)

Life

It's still raining huh?.... I cant remember it raining so hard earlier, lucky everything will be indoors I guess.

No I don't think its ever rained this hard before... yes lucky everything is indoors.

I will just go and see what Jonny is upto.

Sure, thank you ...

I cant remember his name, was he from my side of the family or Peter's.

You are welcome Jenny... I will be back in a jiffy... Its Hank by the way ... we met at the Christmas party last year.

Oh yes, I am sorry, my mind has been a bit fuzzy.

No problem dear... I completely understand.

The Christmas party, why cant I remember him...

Jenny you want something to drink or eat... the ceremony doesn't start until an hour.

Thanks aunty Helen, I am fine.

Its raining so hard.... hope it stops.

Yeah...

why cant I remember him, the Christmas party, ... this rain when will it stop.... Peter hates the rain... he loves the sunshine... the beach...he hates the dampness.... he hates it. I use to love cloudy days, the dampness of the rain.... I would love the strong breeze... the thunder in the clouds... as if some massive war was raging above us... it seemed as if so much was going on... but Peter loved sunshine, clear days.... among the both of us he was sunshine... I don't know what I was... I bring so little to the relationship... while Pete would fill the room... like a cool breeze on a hot summer's afternoon...

Jenny the caterers would be late... the weather is holding them up, but don't worry I think the guest will be late also... also father Carmel will be here in an hour.

Thanks aunty Helen.

No worries dear... let me know if you need anything. Kara is here.

Who invited her... Who invited her... how can she come.... how dare she. I cant believe I fought with Peter over her...he kept saying...

There is nothing going on Jenny... we just work together...that's all... why are you acting like this.

How can she come...

Hi, Jenny how are you... I just wanted ...

Please excuse me Kara.

Sure Sure... Jenny

How can she come.... but she doesn't know... Peter kept saying nothing was going on.... but I remember I remember that touch...the way she put her hand on his hand.... I remember seeing it in slow motion... when we bumped into her at the market. I felt like I could see each second pass, my mind was trying to stop her hand with my gaze. The way she nudged him. Who talks like that o a colleague.

Jenny darling you are over reacting, I am telling you she is just a colleague, she does that with everyone... that is just a part of her personality.... darling ...jenny

Jenny, Jenny dear... Peter's mother is here... Jenny?

Oh yes aunty Helen... where is s... oh hello Mrs adams. would you like anything to drink... the priest will take an hour.

No no dear, I wanted to see how are you holding up... you sure you don't need any help with anything... I wanted to talk to u before the it started....I want you to have this... Peter was angry at me for not giving this to you...

What is it?

My wedding ring... you have to forgive me dear... I didn't know you well... I thought he was making a mistake... I didn't know how he felt about you... I didn't know...

Thank you... but I cant keep it

No you have to... Peter is all I ... you have to accept... please... for an old fool's sake.

Thank you... you like something to drink... or please sit down. You look tired.

No its fine... no its fine...I just felt you two were moving too soon... you had just met... you have to see it from my view...you had just met...

Come on Marry let the girl be....

Let me know if you need anything Jenny...

Yes Mr Adams... thank you.

She is right we did meet and move too soon. He just saw me across the room... I dint know his name nothing... I was new to the city... he was just standing across the room... against the brick wall... I could still see his golden curls against the red bricks... his blue check shirt... his eyes... green... all the colours just didn't match... he stood out against that red brick wall... he just saw me right across the room... he started to walk towards me... I knew he was... I knew he was not going to anyone else... I walked a few steps back... thought of polite ways to flee... by the time I turned my head... I ... he was just there right in front his green eyes looking straight... like a cool breeze... he seem to have no doubt that he was welcome... he never had that doubt... where ever he went, he always thought he was welcomed... he that that blond in your face look... you couldn't miss him...

So you are new here, aren't you ?

Yes, yes I am not..  I DONT THINK I know you...

Yeah don't worry I am working on that ...

Oh god that annoying smile and wink... he didn't even know me.. he just cant wink at me....

I am Peter... I was Tim's roommate... and you are?

Jenny... I work in the same office as Tim... excuse me I need to go ...

Go where ... I am still working on that ... getting to know you bit...

Would you stop that winking think.... please stop.... its bad manners

Ha ha... what else annoys you ... I want to know.

At the present moment you annoy me.

Ha ha ... ok so good looking guys and winking what else?

EXCUSE me

Jenny Jenny.. Father Carmel is here...Jen

My child I am sorry for the delay...the rain was just too much...

 
*TO BE Continued *