Random or by Design

I get scared when I read about what happened to Michael Schumacher. I am not a car racing fan, I do admit loving top gear but its more for the personalities of those three guys than the cars. What happened to Michael makes no sense to me, logically if he had to be down with a head injury it should have happened during his racing career, not on a skiing holiday. There was not even an avalanche and he is in tremendous shape... remember his neck muscles. Still he is rightnow in coma after surviving a high risk career and lifestyle.

It’s funny when the strongest people around you succumb to depression, the intelligent ones to disease and the idiot of the family bordering on retardation is left to explore life’s endless possibilities. It’s funny that some live on to the age of 79 and are still acting in movies and get nominated for an Oscar but couldn’t attend it because they were shooting another movie in India. Couldn’t guess who, this 79 year old lady was nominated for best actress, still couldn’t guess... no it’s not Meryl Streep. It’s Judy Dench. She has acted in Bond films as ‘M’. Amazing life.

Yesterday was the 2014 Oscars, for those people nominated it would have been a high point in their lives, their one of ‘their best days’. For someone else on the planet, it was their worst day. This picture at the bottom captures that- best day moment for a few. But simultaneously someone was having a mildly bad day, a very bad day, a horrifyingly bad day and someone was having a boring day and decided to write about it. I had my ‘worst day till now of my life’ last year, so I have become a little more appreciative of the boring days and the disappointing days. I think I don’t mind having those for a few more years.

As I get older and as I see those older around me I wonder if we have any say in the life we live, there are the proactive people who have reached the top of their chosen careers and still had bad endings. There are those who have a stream of bad choices but end-up having a dignified end of life. If we knew what was ahead of us, what lies behind that curb, would we walk at all?  

I guess the greatest mystery in life is people and the lives they lead or are led on.

 

Detachment logic

I had an office colleague who told me about detachment. Back then I remember looking at her and thinking this is nuts... I mean what is the point of going through life if you don't feel your emotions. I never understood it then. I remember saying how can you be detached from your mother. She said, "detachment doesn't mean you cant love her... just be detached". I never got it then. Now after my mother died, I realised its value, death is the ultimate form of detachment. The very fact that I can survive without my mother, is detachment. I realise now what detachment means, you can love someone but always know you will be ok without them. We are all, one complete person from birth to death, we don't need anything spectacular to happen to us, to become complete. Detachment is the best survival mechanism, sick people use it to survive by not getting attached to their bodies, which are failing them. People coming out of bad relationships, use detachment to move on. In misery its easy to be detached, because your present is so depressing, so is your past and the imagined future. Its difficult to attach yourself to anything during bad times, which kind of helps one to get a bigger picture. You are presented with do or die options and you have to choose the do option.

The trick is to be detached when things are going well, not to get attached to your job when you are doing well, not to become one with the person you just newly fell in love with. Because if you can achieve that all it means is that you are not diving in head first, you are ensuring your survival. Have you ever noticed when you read about suicides, they always describe the victims as full of life and high spirited. Maybe feeling every emotion too deeply is putting yourself in danger because life seems to be a process of purging. Every life crisis is about losing some attachment, be it loss of money, family, health etc. You name it, we all do and will go though it. Why we are subjected to it, I don't know. Why this miracle of life is this painful series of purging, I don't know.

Marriage

Getting married, not married yet, staying married!!!! so much pressure and all for what. Why is it that mothers think that getting married is more important than "who" are you getting married to! How does marriage guarantee anything. Does it guarantee protection - NO, most rapes are done by monsters known to the victim. Does it guarantee lifetime of companionship - NO, get diagnosed with a horrible disease and see you better half disappearing. Does it guarantee no more loneliness - NO, people can feel lonely in a crowd and not feel lonely when they are alone by themselves. What does marriage guarantee: good times when things are going smoothly - Maybe, but then what is a point. What is a point of seeing your kid as a failure based on a future event which may or may not result in happiness. What is the point. And pray please tell me, when the hell did being independent and self sufficient become a bad thing!

My wish

I don't want my life to be a tragedy... I don't want to look at my circumstance and think there is no hope. I want to think, despite the risk, despite everything pointing downwards. I would like to think that I am lucky and that I continue to be considered a funny light hearted (some would say light headed person). I no longer mind people making fun of me, I see it as a blessing that my life hasn't been so very bad... so that people don't look at me with pity.

I don't want to look at myself with pity... I want to consider myself as lucky... I would like to put myself in the creamy layer of life. There are moments in life when you know that how you react now will define the rest of your life. I am in that moment and I am praying that when I come out on the other side, my life, my ending, is happy.

Definition

To know who you are. To know every fine line where you end and begin, is important. Because if you meet life without a clear idea of who you are, you cant shape it. Its like painting on water, you need to have a clear idea of what you want to paint, otherwise it becomes one big grey mess. While you are defining yourself, make sure its independent of anything that you can touch or see. Independent of beauty as it will fade. Independent of what you do, as it will change. Independent of who you are with, because they will go. Independent of events, because they may or may not happen. Independent of your body's strength, as time will rob you of it. Define yourself on something that time, people, destiny  cant take away from you.

Your definition should be independent, as independent as you want to be. I keep seeing everyone around me, wanting life to fall into a pattern. A successful job, money, marriage, a house, a car, kids, successful kids, grand kids. If any or all of these things don't fall into place, we lose our identity. Who are we if one of these things take a miss step, suddenly our life doesn't seem to matter. Our past, present and future are irrelevant because of a list of events. The fact that we are alive doesn't seem to matter because of a list. Who made this list and this list keeps changing. The concept of marriage didn't exist in the stone age. It didn't matter if your kids were successful during the great depression, everyone was just happy to survive. It didn't matter if you didn't own a house during times of slavery, all people wanted was their freedom. Don't define yourself based on anything you can see or touch. Define yourself on something only you can feel and believe in. Don't put a value on your existence, because you cant and it is not something that was meant to be valued. There is no market for it and it cant be summed up in a few numbers or a few lines. Even great men have flaws, even flawed men have great times. Just know who you are, not your value, just who you are.

Love on streets of mumbai

I remember being stuck in a traffic jam on my way to office. There are eight traffic lights, which I counted one day, as I found it odd that I was getting super tense every morning. On this particular day, while I helplessly looked at the red coloured light, which turns green for 30 seconds and remains red for 2 mins or sometimes even longer. I saw this couple on a bike, the guy was riding the bike and the female was sitting behind him. She seemed lost in her world, I guess the heat must have got to her. But every few seconds with a blank expression on her face, she would gently put her chin down on his shoulder, oblivious to the profound effect of happiness it produced on his face. Every time she rested her chin on his shoulder, his mouth would break open into a smile. She would then lift her chin up and his smile would subside, chin down, smile back.

Another day on the same crossing waiting for the fabled but hardly ever seen green light, another couple were on a bike. The female got off and crossed the road. The guy didn't take his eyes off until she was safely on the otherside. She then would keep turning back to say bye and his eyes were always there to meet hers.

Is it the traffic jam or I think bikes are more romantic means of travel. The great thing is doesn't matter how hot it is, the exhaust fumes, the tarmac road radiating heat, the noisy honks, love always finds a way to make life a little soft. 

Mother of all observations!

You cant love anyone, if you don't love yourself. You just cant. You will be so preoccupied with your own flaws that you will not have the time to see the other person. Every unrelated thing, you will relate to you. Everyday you will add a brand new chain.

There is a funny thing about life, its like water, it always finds its level and that level is what you think about yourself. Sooner or later, it will match what you think you deserve. Your eyes becomes everyone else's. Life levels with you, if you think you are not special, so wouldn't everyone.  All that matters is what you think about yourself. All you need to do is look at yourself a little longer, till you see the time and effort put into making you.  The twists and turns, the ups and downs, the bumps, the constant clashes, everything that needed to fall into place to lead up to you. For each unique person, there is a unique story that begins and ends with you. You star in it.

As I get older, I like that fact that I am beginning to look past the fear. The fear hasn't gone, but I can see beyond. I can handle myself better, learn to let go, break my boundaries once in awhile. Walk in a zig-zag but not a straight line. And the best bit is all of me is able to match my expectations, which are beginning to grow..... slowly.

Heres to growing up ... slowly :)

Relationships

They start messy and they end messy. But when we are not in them, life is much clearer, more balanced. But we cant wait to fall into a mess. Cant wait to lose yourself, to lose your freedom, peace of mind, simplicity, we cant seem to wait to lose. Doesn't matter how old you get, hard-earned wisdom is thrown out of the window and uncertainty opens the door. We love mysteries, we fall for what makes no sense, what is unstable, unadvisable. We just cant seem to wait.

This Christmas

This Christmas I spent it with people I never thought I could be friends with. I had fun, I had company and I had a very full day, just the way I like it. Maybe I should stop trying to predict how my day will go and just keep going forward and forget about what should be, what isnt. I realised that life is like people it cant be controlled, the more you squeeze your fingers, the more it pains. So let it flow, that is what life is, its alive and it has a mind of its own. You just need to love whatever comes at you and be happy you are with life.

Merry Christmas 

To put it honestly

I dont know what to do with bluntly honest people. The kind that tell you, you have put on weight, your hair is falling, you look 29 (comfortably!!!!!!) when I am 27. On the one hand you have got to thank them, because I tend to go blind for a while and think I look awesome. I have the opposite of body dysmorphia  when I look in the mirror I see someone slimmer, nice hair and even pretty!!!!!!. So I do admit I need a reality check, but on the other hand, it could be done a little softly, a little smoothly. But can bad news every be delivered nicely. Is there a nice way to get fired, to get dumped. There isnt so I guess, I should accept it and do damage control on myself. But it still hurts. 

Being alone isn't easy

I am not one of those people who has an active social life, more appropriately i am not one of those people who has a social life. So for me being alone is tough. It gets easier when I go home. But this time it wasn't that easy, as people at home are unhappy too. But it was still better than being alone. I noticed a funny thing about people, they will not ask you to go with them to see a movie, even though they need company, the very act of asking for company seems to be hard. I also end-up seeing movies alone most of the time, I don't mind it because when I am in the hall and the lights are off, all I am focusing on is on the movie and nobody really notices in the darkness. But i generally try a little to ask for company, I almost all the time get turned down, but its ok, because A) i am use to it and B) because I only ask females (my kind). So this time this poor soul who I started to talk to properly only a week ago, made the solid mistake of saying we could watch movies together. Little did she know, I would take her up on the offer three days later. But this time when I asked, lets go see this movie, I asked her and this other female when we three were going home from work. And this time, they agreed! to my shock. But I am so use to people changing their plans on me, I was mentally prepared that they will forget about it as the weekend came. So I asked a bit a day before the weekend, got a luke warm response and thought here we go again! But then something amazing happened, at least for me it was. I for the first time saw enthusiasm on the other side, they were fixing the day, the time, the hall :). So I guess for this time at least, I am happy I tried. Then I came to know that they too had problem finding company for stuff like movies and plays. Here I am asking people for company and these idiots agree to open up to me now!!!!

I know what you must me thinking, that these sort of things shouldn't matter when you are almost going to hit your thirties! I agree, it shouldn't be this hard, but it is and its not just for me. I wish people were a bit more open, a bit more ready to get turned down, to show how their lives really were. Instead of saying, "I am good yaar". Because I am not and I don't what to pretend that I am. I am not happy with my current situation, I hope my life will change ( or as my friend would say, do something to change it). 

Beautiful

Found this on Youtube while listening to music, sometimes the website's suggestions makes no sense, but I am glad I saw this video.

Beautiful saying from the vedio: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

High tech

Nowadays people seem to be in a race to get the latest phones, latest tablets, pads, sound systems, home studios etc. Every time a manufacturer comes out with something new people buy it, as if they couldn't do without it for so many months. Who knew I needed an S-pen, I didn't a fews days ago, but I need one now! So I thought of all the awesome things that could be invented in the future if I could guess them or see if we have invented it already. The first one that came to my mind was-

1) Material that lets you sweat but doesn't let water in. Loads of shoes that say your foot will be able to breath but water will not come in. But in reality a little water does come in. So it would be cool if we have this, especially for jeans, they take years to dry.

2) Wearable 3-D glasses which are crystal clear. Every time I go for a movie, I am not happy with the glasses, so much so most of the time I prefer 2D.

3) prober waste disposal, I know doesn't sound high tech, but after being in mumbai for so many years, I have a new found appreciation for clean streets and lack of the ability to smell.

4) Better emoticons {eg :-)}, I like the current collection but I wish they had some with sound effects!

5) A better music shuffle program, that actually picks up what mood you are in rather than just trying to be random.

I cant think of anymore !

But the funny thing is we have all of the above-

1) Skin, 2) eyes, 3)well you know, nothing we takeout is harmful to the environment, but I agree the smell issue is yet to be resolved or rather evolved, 4) our face, 5) our brains

I guess we are really not high tech, we seem to be catching up to what we were born with. So take care of it, I hear it seems to go all down hill post the age of 28, yikes !

It's funny...

... Name one person who will never write a book on leadership ....

Answer: The Dalai Lama

Love

Love is the permission to behave badly.

I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder when I see my parents' old black and white pick, if they are happy with the way life turned out. I see their old pic where they were truly like youngster should be happy, energetic and if you can help it good looking. They seemed like they were on some sort of adventure, if you see my young pic you would see half sleepy (some would say fully asleep), ok ok to look at, i might add out of shape youngster. Who no one would think is on an adventure. I cant even imagine how I will turn out when I become truly old, how low my energy levels will be.

The main cause of their unhappiness is unfulfilled desire, this is after having the most optimistic outlook in life when they were young. God only knows what will happen to me with by no-holds-barred negative attitude. 

Families

Families are like time bombs.... like a highly inflammable mix just waiting to explode. A small shirt, vegetables, crank call... anything can trigger the deepest emotions. Money seems to be the most effective catalyst, to bring out remarks which should be swept under the table, out in the open. The concept of pleasant conversation is fleeting. But families are also resilient, the good ones that is. They bounce back from emotional trench into the plateau of pleasantness. They go from "I should throw them out" to "Did you shit today", in a matter of a few hours. The most important systems in nature are dynamic from the centre of the sun to the weather cycles on planets. Explosions seem to be a part and parcel of life. Inactivity is the sign of the dead, be it people or chunks of rock. What I don't understand is why? Is it to make our lives interesting? It is boring if everything is always pleasant. We keep testing the strength of the bonds between us, pushing each to our individual limits. Maybe this is the only way to find out what you have is strong or not. Someone had to have rubbed that diamond against all the possible materials to see who gets scratched first.

Happiness UnLTD

 I realized happiness does not depend on circumstance; it depends on you, and in there is your free will. That is what no amount of 'out of control' can ever take away from you. How you feel depends on how you choose to feel and that determines how you perceive life and how it affects you.

So it doesn't matter if you are not rich, if you are not young, if you are alone, it doesn't matter. You are as happy as you choose to be.

You wanna come!

This happened awhile back, I was coming home from a friend's place and a ex-colleague of mine was with me in an auto. It was late at night and the gentleman in question got off at his place first. I carried on in the auto towards my place. Near my house a motorcyclist started chasing me, he kept swerving into the auto and the auto guy stopped the auto. Then the bike fellow stopped and I said, "Go ahead" (meaning go on your way)... the bike guys said "you go ahead". I said, " What is your problem". Stared straight into his face. He goes, " You wanna come, You wanna have a good time". He sounded just like the guy from hangover Mr Chow. I went, "No I don't WANNA come, I don't WANNA have a good time". Luckily he rode off.

At that moment I realised two things- one my heartbeat did not go up, I was dead calm. I am the kind of person who jumps up in fright. Second, I need someone who will protect me! and that my family is probably the only group of people who care about me. Imagine in a whole city, where I have been for three years, no one cares if I don't reach home. Only my dad, who worriedly calls up at night from another city, to check if I reached home.

I never felt more alone, I had a very grownup realization, my security is my responsibility and the next time I will leave early. And as for that colleague, if I get a chance to shove something up, I will!

27 years

I was thinking of all the landmark changes I have witnessed in my 27 years of life. the kind that marks the end of an era and I realised that 27 years might only be significant to me because its three short of 30! But I have witnessed many land marks in my lifetime -

Cassettes to CD: Wikipedia says that CDs were commercially available by 1982, i was yet to land on earth by then, but i clearly remember using cassettes in my early school days. I remember having a cassette playing Walkman and thinking this is cool. But it was replaced by a three CD player music system, which I also thought was cool. The Ipod was introduced when i was 16years old, I had recently woken up to the concept of fellows :), while the world of music changed for ever.

Nokia Phones to every other kind of phone: In my college days 90% or even more people used nokia, Samsung was still a rarity  and only became a novelty after i was in Masters course. The touch screen phones I only became aware of it after I started working. But before that, phones moved from compact key pad to a qwerty key pad. The Iphone was unveiled in 2007, I was still in Delhi doing my masters in economics just trying to pass my exams, when some guy who had started a company named after a fruit, changed the phone business forever. While I was lost in a haze of insecurity in D school, the door was being opened for Samsung to give apple a run for its money.

Internet - dial-up to broadband to wireless: In school my family applied for a dial-up student internet connection. No images only text on a black screen. My sister knew how to search stuff on the net and I use to sit beside her. It was more like Dos prompt. Everything took time to load. Then came the dial-up connection with images. It was slow but there was nothing else to compete with it, so we all adjusted, did other things while it was still loading. I still remember the sound of the dial-up connection, its the kind that they show in the matrix (part I) for those who were not born to see it. Then came broadband, it was still expensive so I use to go to the internet cafe. My 12th class results were seen in an internet cafe. My dad went to see it, while i stayed at home, he called me and said 78%, you passed! I broke down in tears, it was technically the highest score I had scored in my school life. I was the kind that failed in three subjects in first term, then two in second term and then by some miracle passed in third. So while I realised that my options post school were considerably limited, the world was embracing for the information age! Down went the books, up went the uploads.

Computers: from Kb to gb:  My first computer was an off-white colour box with a large CPU, which needed a strong desk to keep it. I use to play battle chess and the man game. it was a windows computer with limited colours. Just a CD drive, nothing else. I was just trying to go from class six to class seven, while the computer entered our homes, never to leave. As I started to put on weight the moment I passed out of school, computers started becoming thinner and thinner. They went from three piece to two piece to one single piece - a laptop. My family bought a laptop when I was in d school, it was the second semester, I was trying to survive game theory. I no longer need a whole desk for a desktop, my breakfast table is all that is needed for my Imac and a lap for my laptop. I started working, completed two years of working when i got my Imac, so as I went from zeropati to lakhpati, Steve jobs and his company was already earning billions.

The god particle:  CERN or the European Organisation for Nuclear Physics, located on the Franco-Swiss border has discover the Higgs particle last week. While I was in depression over living alone again, physicist proved the existence of the particle that gives matter mass, only after which gravity can operate and the universe was formed. While I sat in office and dug European eco data, scientist recreated conditions which existed one billionth of a second after the big bang!

CERN: The Large Hadron Collider

The big-bang

27 years might just be an embarrassment for me, but its been an incredible period in history. I know I have missed out a lot of other land marks, but these were the ones that came to my mind as I looked back. I cant even imagine what lies ahead as I move towards 50!