My mind has solved the puzzle...

... unfortunately I have reached a very humbling conclusion, good for me I learnt something about myself. The problem with humbling experiences it leaves you with no particular feeling, no joy no unhappiness. Just this empty incomplete feeling. But I know its good for me in the long-term, time to get my life in order myself. No more just existing.

My mind....

... is currently on a fact finding mission, it is trying to deduce something. More accurately it likes a certain conclusion and it is trying its level best to fit that with the evidence, collected over the last  six months or so. Before that my mind was unaware of the mission at hand, hence the evidence older than six months is not of very good quality, plus it doesn't fit the conclusion my mind likes to fit.The negative side effects of having a mind so preoccupied with this secret mission is - memory loss, intelligence loss, loss of any kind of activity which would help me get my career started. My career is something I don't think will ever start and i am no good looking chick, so the other alternative also is never going to take off. So my mind happily goes back to its fact finding mission, regaling me with flashbacks which support favorable outcome and facts that squish it. Then besides my mind is my intuition, or maybe its the saner bit which is trying to be heard. It keeps showing me the hopelessness of the whole fact finding mission, keeps telling me to go with the most realistic outcome and be OK with it, because in the long-run its best for me. But my mind has run soo many scenario analysis by me, so many pieces of evidence, so many outcomes have been run by me, that both me and my mind are finally exhausted and barely functional. So down goes my wit, down goes foresight, down goes common sense, down goes sloth!

Pretty Picture

This pic has not been modified, no filter used nothing, this is the true picture of a sunrise in mumbai.  I realise this blog is becoming more of a photo blog, but I cant help it. The sun seems to be taking timeout and pose for me! Who am I to complain. 

Complex

I have realised that we are complex beings, why we do certain things, any or everything sometimes doesn't make sense. We are not like cars, with a single force driving us to a single direction, instead we are the whole traffic jam. The kind that we see in mumbai, its a miracle we move at all. Sometimes there is an internal jam, sometimes we took the wrong turn but most of the time, we just manage to get through the day without a scratch.There are days, when there is a single force, a single car on a wide open road, on those days we are truly at ease.

From Darkness to Light

Yesterday was a full lunar eclipse which was completely visible from my balcony, conveniently so otherwise this post would not exist. Somehow watching a shadow fall on the moon was more interesting than anything I could think of doing. I was reminded that I am a small ant (i know not compared to the other ants, but atleast vis-a-vis other planets and satellites!). There are more bigger and important things out there of planetary proportions and my troubles were nothing. Actually I knew they were nothing, but the eclipse drove the point home.

Miscellaneous

Sometimes the best person to depend on is yourself, because doesn't matter what the situation, you will always have yourself. It's a hundred percent full proof strategy, zero risk also. I wanted this post to be about soo many things, about my parents who after 35 years of marriage still really do love each other , how? is a minor miracle. That a 59 year old woman can tell a 63 year old man you will get fat if you eat sooo much, this is after he is already 103 kgs. I mean hello, permanent blindness anyone! The fact i asked my mother to divorce my dad at the age of eight and even at the age of 26 i still wonder how it works, how she still looks so much happier with my dad. All her white hair turns black, she has shine on her skin and she looks like a little kid.

I wanted to write about my holiday and show all the beautiful pictures I clicked and say how I didnt need to go to an exotic location to find happiness, I just need to go home.

I wanted to write about my job and ask why it seems to go nowhere and why its always at risk of being taken away. Why do I always find myself hanging on with my dear life, why don't i thrive and why I keep feeling I am living on borrowed time.  Everyday I get this feeling something is missing, there is this constant feeling, I am staring in my computer looking at the excel file and feeling like I am losing something, every single day.

That something's missing feeling, might have to do with the fact that I don't have a sense of direction, I am steering blind, trying my best not to take any unknown turns.