Christmas Card

Empty Ramblings

They say our lives are a sum of our decisions. If you choose to turn left instead of right, do economics instead of MBA, work instead of PHD, stay single instead of getting married. If our lives are  a sum of our decisions then I am scared if I am making the right choices.

My life choices have led me to a cud-de-sac, I spent a portion of my day today thinking how I can get myself out. Maybe its not just the job but everything needs an overhaul... an internal makeover. Maybe the thing missing in my life is a sense of purpose. I always seem to be ready to work hard even if its not really needed.

I literally draw happiness from the smallest things.. I single event can keep me amused for the whole day. It might sound like a good thing but is it.

I have reached a point that if I get worked-up about something I am thinking this will keep me occupied for a while now.

I think my life has too much empty space and I am filling it with insignificance. On the one hand I don't want life to come and take my empty space and fill it with the troubles of life. I don't want worries and unpredictability to occupy the corners. I don't want the centre space to be taken up by events beyond my control. So on one hand I am grateful to have this space, this emptiness and this opportunity to focus on the mundane. But on the other hand I would like to find a purpose to my life. To getup thinking, I want to do this for the rest of my life.

This life of mine

Writing a post after along time... didn't have much to write for awhile. Maybe I still dont :). I realized that we shouldn't past judgement on ourselves or others. Life has too many details, who is to judge  which which ones are the highlights. Doesnt matter what you have done in life... it always ends badly. dying is never a pretty sight atleast in real life. Who is to say you did or didnt have a good life, who gets to say you succeeded or failed. Who is to judge.

The invisible daily triumphs, the moments you felt awesome about yourself, the pat on the back from a friend, spending a great morning, finding something that makes you smile.... why arent these things equally important. Who is to judge. 

Going beyond Boundaries

A Walk to Remember, is a very emotional movie. It has all the right parts, young love, transformation, terminal illness without the ugly bits. Beautiful songs, perfect pitch for emotions. But watching that movie I wondered if anyone was capable of so much love, that they are willing to love unconditionally, without jealousy and resentment. If someone was capable of giving everything up for someone without resentment, without anger. Is anybody able to love someone without judgement, without expectations. And I don't restrict this to romantic love. This question applies to all kinds of love- of a mother, child, sibling, everyone. I cant imagine how it feels to love somebody completely, that you will do anything for them... they become your top priority. They take precedent over your work, everything. They come in between you and your idea of an ideal life. And you are ok with it, you accept somebody completely. I am guessing if anyone feels this, its going to be parents. They would come closest to this stage. But even with them life seems to claw its way back and interrupt this unending love. Issues of a livelihood, practical matters become important, but parents forgo their idea of a life. They come closest to living for someone else. But even for them moments of panic come and go. When they wonder about their individuality, Their identity.

I cant imagine how it would feel like this, to be willing to let go of oneself so completely, that no sacrifice is a sacrifice anymore. To be ready to change your life. Give it all up for someone else. And to do it without resentment or fear.

I seem to cling on to material things like my job for an identity, I think I would be lost without it. I could not imagine giving it up for anyone else. I cant imagine. I need this immaterial thing to define me. I hold on to my fear, as it keeps me on a straight logical line. On the flip side it prevents me from ever doing anything adventurous, anything questioning my identity. I am actually scared of complete freedom. To live one day doing exactly what I want, telling people what I exactly feel. One day without inhibitions, endangering my identity of self. The idea itself is terrifying.

Random or by Design

I get scared when I read about what happened to Michael Schumacher. I am not a car racing fan, I do admit loving top gear but its more for the personalities of those three guys than the cars. What happened to Michael makes no sense to me, logically if he had to be down with a head injury it should have happened during his racing career, not on a skiing holiday. There was not even an avalanche and he is in tremendous shape... remember his neck muscles. Still he is rightnow in coma after surviving a high risk career and lifestyle.

It’s funny when the strongest people around you succumb to depression, the intelligent ones to disease and the idiot of the family bordering on retardation is left to explore life’s endless possibilities. It’s funny that some live on to the age of 79 and are still acting in movies and get nominated for an Oscar but couldn’t attend it because they were shooting another movie in India. Couldn’t guess who, this 79 year old lady was nominated for best actress, still couldn’t guess... no it’s not Meryl Streep. It’s Judy Dench. She has acted in Bond films as ‘M’. Amazing life.

Yesterday was the 2014 Oscars, for those people nominated it would have been a high point in their lives, their one of ‘their best days’. For someone else on the planet, it was their worst day. This picture at the bottom captures that- best day moment for a few. But simultaneously someone was having a mildly bad day, a very bad day, a horrifyingly bad day and someone was having a boring day and decided to write about it. I had my ‘worst day till now of my life’ last year, so I have become a little more appreciative of the boring days and the disappointing days. I think I don’t mind having those for a few more years.

As I get older and as I see those older around me I wonder if we have any say in the life we live, there are the proactive people who have reached the top of their chosen careers and still had bad endings. There are those who have a stream of bad choices but end-up having a dignified end of life. If we knew what was ahead of us, what lies behind that curb, would we walk at all?  

I guess the greatest mystery in life is people and the lives they lead or are led on.