This Christmas

This Christmas I spent it with people I never thought I could be friends with. I had fun, I had company and I had a very full day, just the way I like it. Maybe I should stop trying to predict how my day will go and just keep going forward and forget about what should be, what isnt. I realised that life is like people it cant be controlled, the more you squeeze your fingers, the more it pains. So let it flow, that is what life is, its alive and it has a mind of its own. You just need to love whatever comes at you and be happy you are with life.

Merry Christmas 

To put it honestly

I dont know what to do with bluntly honest people. The kind that tell you, you have put on weight, your hair is falling, you look 29 (comfortably!!!!!!) when I am 27. On the one hand you have got to thank them, because I tend to go blind for a while and think I look awesome. I have the opposite of body dysmorphia  when I look in the mirror I see someone slimmer, nice hair and even pretty!!!!!!. So I do admit I need a reality check, but on the other hand, it could be done a little softly, a little smoothly. But can bad news every be delivered nicely. Is there a nice way to get fired, to get dumped. There isnt so I guess, I should accept it and do damage control on myself. But it still hurts. 

Being alone isn't easy

I am not one of those people who has an active social life, more appropriately i am not one of those people who has a social life. So for me being alone is tough. It gets easier when I go home. But this time it wasn't that easy, as people at home are unhappy too. But it was still better than being alone. I noticed a funny thing about people, they will not ask you to go with them to see a movie, even though they need company, the very act of asking for company seems to be hard. I also end-up seeing movies alone most of the time, I don't mind it because when I am in the hall and the lights are off, all I am focusing on is on the movie and nobody really notices in the darkness. But i generally try a little to ask for company, I almost all the time get turned down, but its ok, because A) i am use to it and B) because I only ask females (my kind). So this time this poor soul who I started to talk to properly only a week ago, made the solid mistake of saying we could watch movies together. Little did she know, I would take her up on the offer three days later. But this time when I asked, lets go see this movie, I asked her and this other female when we three were going home from work. And this time, they agreed! to my shock. But I am so use to people changing their plans on me, I was mentally prepared that they will forget about it as the weekend came. So I asked a bit a day before the weekend, got a luke warm response and thought here we go again! But then something amazing happened, at least for me it was. I for the first time saw enthusiasm on the other side, they were fixing the day, the time, the hall :). So I guess for this time at least, I am happy I tried. Then I came to know that they too had problem finding company for stuff like movies and plays. Here I am asking people for company and these idiots agree to open up to me now!!!!

I know what you must me thinking, that these sort of things shouldn't matter when you are almost going to hit your thirties! I agree, it shouldn't be this hard, but it is and its not just for me. I wish people were a bit more open, a bit more ready to get turned down, to show how their lives really were. Instead of saying, "I am good yaar". Because I am not and I don't what to pretend that I am. I am not happy with my current situation, I hope my life will change ( or as my friend would say, do something to change it). 

Wicked witch of Mecloud

A long long time ago, back in the times of golden chariots and kings and queens. When there were kingdoms not countries, lived a wicked witch. People lived in fear of this witch, no one knew where she lived. She would just appear in the town dressed as a fruit seller or what have you. Everyone had to be careful when outside of their homes, you never knew if the person you were talking to was basket case or the wicked witch. I remember hearing from jimmy me old pal down at the pub, that a man was fighting with his wife at the pub, he thought she was his wifey and was giving her a peace of his mind. Than suddenly there would be a puff of smoke and the man lost his deep thick voice. A voice every man dreams of having, helps with the ladies if you know what I mean. Instead the poor old sod has a thin squeaky voice, the high nasally one, if you know what I mean. Since then the people of mecloud had to be civil with anyone they talked to. Kind of a benefit if you ask me. But the town was fed up, if you know what I mean. You need to lose your steams once in awhile, imagine not been able to blow up your tailor for uneven pants! Gets my blood boiling if you know what I mean.

Then what happened uncle ?

Hold on to your pants, matty, the story is just beginning, where did I keep those blasted tea leaves. Oh there it is. Coming back then, the king finally decided to do something about it, not a day too soon if you ask me. He decided to call his council of sorcerers, a scary bunch known as the devils own, a nickname given by the towns people. But to the king's surprise, the devils own seem to have their knickers in a bunch. First they said it was inauspicious to launch an attack on any magical being during the month of the solar solstice. The king knew this was a bunch of hog wash.

From my garden

Light and shade

Light streaming through tangled palm leaves

No idea what flower this is

One in focus and one out of focus

This plant gives those beautiful white fragrant flowers that Indian women put in their hair (gajra)

This is a very photogenic plant in my opinion and for some reason reminds me of snow covered Russian forests. It called a silver something, I cant remember.

Conversations

Let me introduce you to my parents:

Conversation with my dad a day before I come home for one week:

Dad: "Where are you?"

Me: "Going to the mall to buy Pork sausages"

Dad: "I assume those are for me"   (doubtful but still hopeful low tone)

Me: "Yes they are"

Dad: "I bought chicken sausages for you" (high tone)

Conversation with my mother:

Ma: "You should prepare for GMAT, join an online course"

Ma: "You should do that six month copywriters course"

Ma: "You should learn to cook, that is how you will get married"

But I was happier when I was with them, much more happier than I am now.

Facebook

I temporarily deactivated my Facebook a couple of weeks back. This is not the first time, this is the third time I have deactivated it. But this is the first time I am free from the need to check Facebook, Check who is doing what, who is saying what, who is looking beautiful, who is looking worse. End of all the nonsense. In the olden days, if I wanted to gossip, I would seek that information, for which I needed to talk to another human being. But now all I need to do is checkout someones page where they put up pictures of what they did, where they went, with who. Personal moments became public moments, validated by 100s of likes. You don't even need to talk to another person. Every time I checked my mail, Facebook said I missed some happening story, every time I logged in, it asked me what's on my mind. The funniest part is every time you deactivate your account, Facebook asks you why and suggests a website that will help you. A website to help you deal with your problem of spending too much time on Facebook. It tells you five randomly chosen people who will miss you. Sometimes it will choose someone I liked in the past and I use to wonder, does Facebook know. Sometimes I didn't really care for those five people who will miss me. I now have the phone numbers of the people I want to keep in touch with and who will hopefully miss me when I am really gone. Today, at this very moment I felt less cluttered, more in control of the information I was getting about someone, more in control of the information I was letting out about me. My mind is at ease, I don't know what is happening in other peoples lives, I don't want to know. My own life is hard enough. I do agree it is a great site to keep in touch and reconnect with people in your past, but I don't really think we where were meant to know so much more about that person's life. Everyone's life, doesn't matter how boring, is a personal journey, what is happening in someone's else's journey really shouldn't be a part of our own. Its like driving on the road, you were not meant to keep an eye on what is happening on a parallel road, you will crash otherwise.

I forgot

I made this sometime back, I completely forgot about it. So much so I couldn't recognize the painting when I saw it!

Giving in

Last week another one of my friends left mumbai, I am kind of getting use to this isolation. It has been a recurring theme for the last four odd years! I wonder why, but even after four years of wondering, I am no closer to an answer. But this time I have decided not to reach out of my shell, I will stay firmly with in it. Take all my introvertedness and wrap it around me. No more making new friends, Just trying to keep in touch with the old ones. Keep to myself, putting less effort to make people like me. Doing the opposite of what is advised and what I generally do.

This time I will stick to people who get me and let the people who don't, let them be. I try to stay positive and keep asking my team for more work and keep myself busy. Somehow I feel good when I have a lot of work, I feel useless when I have none. Maybe that makes me a workaholic but I feel more balanced when I have something to do, to take up the time that I seem to have. People say life is short, But for me I feel the gift of time is going wasted. I waste my days like a rich spoiled kid wastes his dad's money. Let see if this works. I have also come up with new philosophy if I foresee an uncomfortable situation, I will save myself the misery, I will make my life easier and avoid it. I was the kind that took the uncomfortable situation head on, but no more, I embrace the shell philosophy, at least for now. Give myself a break. I am also going to go a little easy on the self criticism, as I noticed that other people see it as a permission to criticize me.

There are situations while you are in it you know its not a big deal, you know you will look back at it with a light heart. But while you are in it you cant help yourself, you cant help but take it seriously. It is like when you trying something for the first time, you are fully focused on it but then after a point of time it becomes a habit. Right now my full focus is on it and I know I will laugh after a few years (let up hope it is just a few), but right now I will let myself focus on the  situation fully and do everything in my control to make it easy for me. No more grin and bear it, no more pretend happy, no more. From now on I run, run from the situation. When I feel up to it, I will grin and bear it, but for now I leave the grinning to other people.

Beautiful song by outlandish - walou            (the word apparently mean nothing)

Beautiful

Found this on Youtube while listening to music, sometimes the website's suggestions makes no sense, but I am glad I saw this video.

Beautiful saying from the vedio: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

High tech

Nowadays people seem to be in a race to get the latest phones, latest tablets, pads, sound systems, home studios etc. Every time a manufacturer comes out with something new people buy it, as if they couldn't do without it for so many months. Who knew I needed an S-pen, I didn't a fews days ago, but I need one now! So I thought of all the awesome things that could be invented in the future if I could guess them or see if we have invented it already. The first one that came to my mind was-

1) Material that lets you sweat but doesn't let water in. Loads of shoes that say your foot will be able to breath but water will not come in. But in reality a little water does come in. So it would be cool if we have this, especially for jeans, they take years to dry.

2) Wearable 3-D glasses which are crystal clear. Every time I go for a movie, I am not happy with the glasses, so much so most of the time I prefer 2D.

3) prober waste disposal, I know doesn't sound high tech, but after being in mumbai for so many years, I have a new found appreciation for clean streets and lack of the ability to smell.

4) Better emoticons {eg :-)}, I like the current collection but I wish they had some with sound effects!

5) A better music shuffle program, that actually picks up what mood you are in rather than just trying to be random.

I cant think of anymore !

But the funny thing is we have all of the above-

1) Skin, 2) eyes, 3)well you know, nothing we takeout is harmful to the environment, but I agree the smell issue is yet to be resolved or rather evolved, 4) our face, 5) our brains

I guess we are really not high tech, we seem to be catching up to what we were born with. So take care of it, I hear it seems to go all down hill post the age of 28, yikes !

There has to be more...

There has to be more to this life, more than the rat race, more than rejection, more than the sum of our fears. What is the point of this miracle if we keep looking at what next. There must be more to this life, than people who don't accept you. There must be more than just getting through the week to the weekend. There has to be more to this life than who is ahead and who is left behind. Why were we given the ability to hope, to imagine, to dream even in a prison. To believe tomorrow will be better despite so many disappointing days. To dare to love, despite heartache, to leap in spite of fear. To believe that there is more to us than meets the eye. There has to be more to this life.

It's funny...

... Name one person who will never write a book on leadership ....

Answer: The Dalai Lama

Mumbai Sunrise

My previous post scared my friend... so here is a new one ... All pic are from today morning

The last pic is of my plant, whose leaves are being eaten by mysterious insect.

Meaningless

This life is meaningless.

Each day

Each breath

Each moment

English Vinglish

Its a story about an Indian housewife learning english and in the process learning her own worth. The great thing about the film is that it deals with families bringing each other down. Small comments, innocuous jokes, seemingly harmless yet incredibly painful. No one can really bring you down as your own family and no one but you can hurt them also. The thing I liked most about the movie was Sridevi, she can really act naturally. She played the beautiful insecure traditional housewife, that we all have in our minds to perfection. I know the moral of the movie isn't exactly what I am about to say, but its the only thing striking me. Don't settle for a normal Indian guy, you never know you might meet a hot French guy down the line :D. And may I add he is perfect!  :)

Verdict: Must watch atleast once.

Focus

Be grateful you are still alive.
Every time you go one step back in the rat race be grateful... u are still alive.
Be grateful even if your heart breaks.... u are still alive and beating.
Even if everything collapses on your head... be grateful you still can feel pain.
Be grateful even if you fall from cloud nine... u still can feel shame... u are still alive.
In the end all that matter is you ... and you are still alive.

Love

Love is the permission to behave badly.

Barfiiiiii !

I finally caught a movie while it is still running in the cinema halls and I am glad it is Barfi :). And yes I cried in the second half like a baby and yes I cursed the pretty female and rooted for priyanka and yes I got confused with the jumbled timeline and yes I am officially a Ranbir fan and Yes I finally got over my Saawariya shock (a truly blue movie I must say :D).

Verdict: It brought dreams to life and tears to my eyes.

I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder when I see my parents' old black and white pick, if they are happy with the way life turned out. I see their old pic where they were truly like youngster should be happy, energetic and if you can help it good looking. They seemed like they were on some sort of adventure, if you see my young pic you would see half sleepy (some would say fully asleep), ok ok to look at, i might add out of shape youngster. Who no one would think is on an adventure. I cant even imagine how I will turn out when I become truly old, how low my energy levels will be.

The main cause of their unhappiness is unfulfilled desire, this is after having the most optimistic outlook in life when they were young. God only knows what will happen to me with by no-holds-barred negative attitude. 

The wishlist

things to do before I die:

1) paragliding

2) Going to Dharamshala

3) preparing one full gourmet meal, with a beautifully baked cake TLC style

4) work on a movie making set

5) manage the launch of a product

6) be my own boss

7) travel anywhere- be it Mumbai or other parts of India.

8) Have my friends nearby, all of them tend to go to the US.

9) see my sister the way she use to be  when I was in school, razor sharp and ambitious bordering on arrogant.

10) find someone to spend my life with. Especially someone whose pants don't fall off on seeing a pretty giggly female.

11) see my sister get married.

12) see my mother less worried.

13) have lots and lots of days where I look forward to getting-up.

14) have a day devoid of fear.

15) be surrounded by people who understand me and don't see me as an oddity. 

16) spend the majority of my life doing something I love.

17) not dying alone. As I know god's track of misunderstanding, I would want to clarify this does not mean dying in a mass accident!

Families

Families are like time bombs.... like a highly inflammable mix just waiting to explode. A small shirt, vegetables, crank call... anything can trigger the deepest emotions. Money seems to be the most effective catalyst, to bring out remarks which should be swept under the table, out in the open. The concept of pleasant conversation is fleeting. But families are also resilient, the good ones that is. They bounce back from emotional trench into the plateau of pleasantness. They go from "I should throw them out" to "Did you shit today", in a matter of a few hours. The most important systems in nature are dynamic from the centre of the sun to the weather cycles on planets. Explosions seem to be a part and parcel of life. Inactivity is the sign of the dead, be it people or chunks of rock. What I don't understand is why? Is it to make our lives interesting? It is boring if everything is always pleasant. We keep testing the strength of the bonds between us, pushing each to our individual limits. Maybe this is the only way to find out what you have is strong or not. Someone had to have rubbed that diamond against all the possible materials to see who gets scratched first.

Happiness UnLTD

 I realized happiness does not depend on circumstance; it depends on you, and in there is your free will. That is what no amount of 'out of control' can ever take away from you. How you feel depends on how you choose to feel and that determines how you perceive life and how it affects you.

So it doesn't matter if you are not rich, if you are not young, if you are alone, it doesn't matter. You are as happy as you choose to be.

You wanna come!

This happened awhile back, I was coming home from a friend's place and a ex-colleague of mine was with me in an auto. It was late at night and the gentleman in question got off at his place first. I carried on in the auto towards my place. Near my house a motorcyclist started chasing me, he kept swerving into the auto and the auto guy stopped the auto. Then the bike fellow stopped and I said, "Go ahead" (meaning go on your way)... the bike guys said "you go ahead". I said, " What is your problem". Stared straight into his face. He goes, " You wanna come, You wanna have a good time". He sounded just like the guy from hangover Mr Chow. I went, "No I don't WANNA come, I don't WANNA have a good time". Luckily he rode off.

At that moment I realised two things- one my heartbeat did not go up, I was dead calm. I am the kind of person who jumps up in fright. Second, I need someone who will protect me! and that my family is probably the only group of people who care about me. Imagine in a whole city, where I have been for three years, no one cares if I don't reach home. Only my dad, who worriedly calls up at night from another city, to check if I reached home.

I never felt more alone, I had a very grownup realization, my security is my responsibility and the next time I will leave early. And as for that colleague, if I get a chance to shove something up, I will!

tik tok wait for me

There are many secrets that we cant share with anyone but ourselves. Secret desires, hidden truths, unacceptable flaws, things you cant share even with your friends, who will not judge you. There are sides to me which don't come in the definition of good, but I need to ignore them or keep them hidden. Because once revealed, I will lose my place in the category of nice, which I hold on to with my dear life.

I try to view myself in the most simple fashion, I keep complications at bay, I avoid grey areas with a watchful eye and stick to the white side.  Holding my tongue, because I know those words will be a little too harsh and wrong. Everyone has flaws, an ugly side which no amount of understanding can ever accept, except by your own self.

Of late I am beginning to feel my age, there is a heaviness which remains constantly. The giddy feeling of being on the edge of my skin is going. I feel firmly within my skin, a little too comfortable. I am beginning to own my own. This scares me, I am not ready for the next stage of life, I want my youth to remain. There are so many things I want to do, so many worries, I want to be able to worry about. I want to feel uncomfortable, to feel thin skinned again. I want small events to mean more to me again. I am not ready to be content thirty year old, not yet. I want my desires, I want my stupidity, they made me feel each day.

Time does fly away quickly, I hardly can feel how the last four years of working have passed. I cant account for the days, for the years. My resume will tell you where I was, but I cant tell you what I was doing, let alone where am I headed. Every time I talk to my family, I feel I should be more in charge, knowing exactly the plan by now, being a pillar of support. But I have hardly ever wandered off the beaten path, to give up that option of going down the unknown. I have always chased certainty, at the cost of ever finding the secluded path. Always scared of what next, happy to be at step two, for too long.

I am not ready.

Dev.D

I know watching Dev.D on independence day makes no sense and has no connection. Its just a movie I have kept since 2009 and tired to watch, but gave up in the first 15 mins the first time I tired to see it. Today I saw it fully and I just felt sorry for the guy and was hoping they turn it around in the end. And they did, giving me the happy ending but I got a feeling they ran out of time, so a car crash was used to jump start the transformation.

I think I will never understand the need some people have to drown themselves in alcohol and play the game of chicken with their lives. I am a kind of person that believes every action is done consciously. I dont get or believe people who say "ho gaya".... to those types I have only one thing to say, "yeah right!".

In the end of the movie, I was left with the feeling all this running around for love, is it worth it? In the end we all r too old, too tired... sometimes peace of mind wins over the chaos. I remember a lot of people going ga ga over the movie, but I found it ordinary. But yes Abhay Deol is special, he has charisma based on pure personality despite being ok ok in the looks department.

Verdict: dont know!

There is a saying....

... that if god closes one door he opens another. Well he seems to be shutting all the doors for me slowly taking away all the people I care about, my close friend is now firmly on another continent, my family in another part of the state and me firmly and completely isolated. I am still waiting for that other door to open.

27 years

I was thinking of all the landmark changes I have witnessed in my 27 years of life. the kind that marks the end of an era and I realised that 27 years might only be significant to me because its three short of 30! But I have witnessed many land marks in my lifetime -

Cassettes to CD: Wikipedia says that CDs were commercially available by 1982, i was yet to land on earth by then, but i clearly remember using cassettes in my early school days. I remember having a cassette playing Walkman and thinking this is cool. But it was replaced by a three CD player music system, which I also thought was cool. The Ipod was introduced when i was 16years old, I had recently woken up to the concept of fellows :), while the world of music changed for ever.

Nokia Phones to every other kind of phone: In my college days 90% or even more people used nokia, Samsung was still a rarity  and only became a novelty after i was in Masters course. The touch screen phones I only became aware of it after I started working. But before that, phones moved from compact key pad to a qwerty key pad. The Iphone was unveiled in 2007, I was still in Delhi doing my masters in economics just trying to pass my exams, when some guy who had started a company named after a fruit, changed the phone business forever. While I was lost in a haze of insecurity in D school, the door was being opened for Samsung to give apple a run for its money.

Internet - dial-up to broadband to wireless: In school my family applied for a dial-up student internet connection. No images only text on a black screen. My sister knew how to search stuff on the net and I use to sit beside her. It was more like Dos prompt. Everything took time to load. Then came the dial-up connection with images. It was slow but there was nothing else to compete with it, so we all adjusted, did other things while it was still loading. I still remember the sound of the dial-up connection, its the kind that they show in the matrix (part I) for those who were not born to see it. Then came broadband, it was still expensive so I use to go to the internet cafe. My 12th class results were seen in an internet cafe. My dad went to see it, while i stayed at home, he called me and said 78%, you passed! I broke down in tears, it was technically the highest score I had scored in my school life. I was the kind that failed in three subjects in first term, then two in second term and then by some miracle passed in third. So while I realised that my options post school were considerably limited, the world was embracing for the information age! Down went the books, up went the uploads.

Computers: from Kb to gb:  My first computer was an off-white colour box with a large CPU, which needed a strong desk to keep it. I use to play battle chess and the man game. it was a windows computer with limited colours. Just a CD drive, nothing else. I was just trying to go from class six to class seven, while the computer entered our homes, never to leave. As I started to put on weight the moment I passed out of school, computers started becoming thinner and thinner. They went from three piece to two piece to one single piece - a laptop. My family bought a laptop when I was in d school, it was the second semester, I was trying to survive game theory. I no longer need a whole desk for a desktop, my breakfast table is all that is needed for my Imac and a lap for my laptop. I started working, completed two years of working when i got my Imac, so as I went from zeropati to lakhpati, Steve jobs and his company was already earning billions.

The god particle:  CERN or the European Organisation for Nuclear Physics, located on the Franco-Swiss border has discover the Higgs particle last week. While I was in depression over living alone again, physicist proved the existence of the particle that gives matter mass, only after which gravity can operate and the universe was formed. While I sat in office and dug European eco data, scientist recreated conditions which existed one billionth of a second after the big bang!

CERN: The Large Hadron Collider

The big-bang

27 years might just be an embarrassment for me, but its been an incredible period in history. I know I have missed out a lot of other land marks, but these were the ones that came to my mind as I looked back. I cant even imagine what lies ahead as I move towards 50! 

My childhood

These were the songs I use to hear when I was in school. I use to walk around in the balcony (in delhi balcony you can walk around, shocking if u are in mumbai) late at night and listen to the FM rainbow late night english music show, watching the stars and dreaming :)

This is my childhood, my best memories -

If your answer to the question - when was the last time you saw the stars is - yesterday. You doing something right.

Perspective

The big picture-

Has this ever happened to you!

Belief

My belief in god is at an all time low. My family is the kind that stays veg 3 days a week and goes to temples, we do normal puja at home, whenever someone is going through a bad time astrologically, which seems to be all the time, we play a one hour mantra. Despite all this, we seem to be more or less going through shitty times. I agree we get a break of a year or so but is that enough. What is the point of believing in a higher power, if that power doesn't work. Its kind of like the Indian government, you pay your taxes but when push comes to shove, we don't even have clean roads, majority of Indians are without access to clean water and we don't exactly look at our police with utmost confidence.

There are two instances which come to my mind where I felt I got help -

The first was a gas leak, I was in school and my parents had gone out of town. My sis had gone to work and locked me in the house for safety. I remember I was reading pride and prejudice for the first time ( I have read that book by now more than 20 times and the BBC movie on it, I have seen more than 5 times). I had reached the middle section of the book and it was getting really interesting. Elizabeth was reading the long explanation letter from Darcy and so was I. Suddenly I hear this hizzing sound. Half of me wanted to stay in bed and ignore it and the other half knew that it is a gas leak and I must move. I listen to my first half for a minute and stayed in bed but then the sound got louder and my neighbours below started screaming gas leak gas leak. So I moved my ass and went to the kitchen, it was afternoon time so no lights were on and the kitchen was dark, but I could see that the gas pipe had broken in half and gas was coming out in full force. I automatically panicked, I lost control over my shoulders, they were moving like helicopter blades, atleast it felt like it. I couldnt think, all I wanted to do was call my sister and the gas leak ad on tv which I had seen once, the one issued in public interest kept playing in my head. So I ran (yes back then and in times of peril I do run) opened all the windows and then ran to the corridor which was even darker than the kitchen. my sis had written her boss's number on a sheet of paper and stuck it to the wall, she didn't have a cell then. the paper had ten other numbers also on it. I picked up the receiver of the land-line and looked at the sheet of paper with ten different numbers on it. In the darkness, I could see the boss's number clearly, as there seemed to be a rectangle box of light just on that number. The boss picked it up in one ring and gave it to my sis and the rest is history .... I calmed down and switched the regulator off.

The second was an auto rickshaw, I was in class three and coming back from school in a school bus. My bus-stop had arrived and I had just stepped out and had turned to my right. Before I could even begin walking, an auto came and hit me from the back and i went flying (mind you I was a small thin kid back then!). Two things saved me, the fact i got hit by the auto with my back facing it. The good thing about this was that it hit my school bag. Any other orientation and it would have been trouble. Delhi autos have this metal cutout on the front wheel for decorative purposes and which is as thin as a knife. So thankfully my school bag was between me and the auto. Now comes the really odd part, after the auto hit me I went flying and I swear it felt like I was flying in the air horizontally, with my back facing the ground. As if someone lifted me up. i landed on the ground (eventually) and fell flat on my back, with my school bag again coming between me and the road. I could have fallen face first, but I didn't, I landed on my school bag... not one scratch.

This was written awhile back and my family member who is still unwell, is slightly better now. So I believe a little more.

quote

The greatest love story in life is with yourself


- Sloth

I got inspired by a bloomberg terminal in office, everytime you login there is a new quote every day. 

guitar God - Newton Faulkner

This is what talent looks like - ginger dreads, pale white skin and magic fingers

and another awesome song - teardrop

Introducing Newton Faulkner - Been thinking about it

If I was lost. Lost at sea. I'd grab the flag and I'd swim all the way home. Cause it's it in my genes

I've been thinking 'bout it. I've been thinking 'bout it. I've been thinking 'bout it. I've been thinking 'bout it.

If I like you, And you like me, Why the hell are we wasting our time ? Are you too afraid to cross that line ?

I've been thinking 'bout it. I've been thinking 'bout it. I've been thinking 'bout it. I've been thinking 'bout it.

If this was to end right now. I'd go with a grateful smile

I've been thinking 'bout it. I've been thinking 'bout it. I've been thinking 'bout it. I've been thinking 'bout it.

If life's so short. Then what's the cost. Of working day and night five days a week ? You say you hate it but it makes ends meet

I've been thinking 'bout it. I've been thinking 'bout it. I've been thinking 'bout it. I've been thinking 'bout it.

My time here on earth could be. A fragile and fleeting thing. But if this was to end right now. I'd go with a grateful smile

I've been thinking 'bout it. I've been thinking 'bout it. Been thinking 'bout it. I've been thinking 'bout it.

If I like you. And you like me. Why the hell are we wasting our time ?

Skin deep

We let beautiful people get away with murder, we buy over price cool looking gadgets, cloths, food etc. Businesses have long tapped into this very human tendency to go for packaging. Gyms sell the idea of personal reinvention, people let perfectly packaged humans walk all over them. Somehow the same standards don't apply, be it people or things. My Imac is not compatible with my external hard drive, it doesn't have a bloody backspace key, but who cares, I dont. I look it its aluminum body, beautiful screen quality and awesome sound and forget all about it, even as I write. I adjust, learn to work around that missing key, missing compatibility.

But I want to ask why god made us so shallow, why is pretty so important, why were we not created to look deeper than the skin. Darwin would say its an evolutionary advantage, you have greater chances of having offspring. I agree, but then why do we apply that logic to appliances. It has to be something deeper than that, or is it that simple. But then why is pretty not enough! why this mix, why not shallow through and through. Why do we realize with much delay it is not enough. If it was that then my Imac didn't need to have awesome sound and screen quality. just being an aluminum box is enough. I sometimes look at myself and see how I treat people differently, how my own standards change irrespective of gender. But as a saving grace I am much more nicer to my friends and I give them infinite chances. Somehow, friendship sails right through the skin and lands at the heart. If my friend doesn't wish me well, I will not put up with her nonsense simple. Somehow the way we behave with our friends, is the most rational we ever are, when you compare it with our behavior with strangers, people we like, our parents, etc. We are much closer to our ideal self when we are with our friends, no temper tantrums, a sea of understanding, nothing is too extreme. Maybe friendship is the most stable of human relationships, it gets ruined when other emotions - jealousy, love, ego etc enter. But despite that, it remains the most stable form. The skin of you friend doesn't matter, if  she or he has your back. Maybe we should turn all our relationships (parents, lovers, professional, religious) into friendships. Maybe then we would be nicer to other people, most importantly nicer to ourselves. 

Things I am grateful for

I always list things which I am scared of, its almost automatic and i am very good at it. The list goes something like -

i am not good at my job.

I am not comfortable of speaking in front of people.

Due to above two I might lose my job.

I have to face the very real reality of living alone forever.

Losing someone  in my family.

I will get fatter. This was initially get fat but with time the starting point changed!

Post which I successfully feel scared and lousy. So i though i would list a couple of things I am grateful for, not good at, but grateful for -

My family, they are still here, even though they are not in the best of health.

my health, i do put on weight extremely easily but I am grateful for a healthy body, that becomes better when I really need it. I mean my asthma disappeared when i joined my master's course, I would have never made it otherwise.

My job, it sucks but i am payed well. I have lady boss so I cant be harassed to the full extent of the term.

Friends, even though they all go away, US seems to be a popular destination. But I still have a bunch of people other than my family who wish me well. Also when one goes another comes to my rescue.

Mumbai, if you have to be a girl and want to be relatively free and in India, Mumbai is a blessing.

Money has never been plenty but it has never been scarce.

A house in the middle of nowhere, but it is always a bailout option to run to in my weakest moments.

I have always had good people to work with.

My sister, who never fought with me and who probably never wants to live with me thanks to my temper, but still loves me.

Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara

I know a little late for a review, but if you have not seen this movie and want to visit Spain, want to know what it feels like to have a trip with friends, face your fears and have fun while you are at it. This movie is for you. My favorite scene is the one below-

Exciting stuff...

Now this is truly exciting stuff, you see I belong to the world's most boring sun sign (how ironic!), so much so when the hottest fellow in my master's course was discovered to be of the same sun sign, people politely said no you have to be a Sagittarius, not this you cant be. Every sunday I look forward to Bejan Daruwalla (what were his parents thinking when they gave him that name, even though its very self explanatory) forecasts, much more than I look forward to my boss's forecasts and every single time its always - will work harder, needs to work harder, you will focus on financial matters, bla bla bla. You guess it - Taurus, the world's dullest sun sign, but we are nice people, much more trustworthy than the other flashy sun signs like sagi, scorpio or libra. And we don't get along with any of those flashy ppl too (apparently)!

So this sunday I did my usual ritual kept sleeping till my family gave me tea, I am always worried if I get up I might have to make it. Full proof startegy. But this time the paper didn't come, so spent half an hour chasing the paper fellow. Kept convincing him it hadn't come -

" I am standing in my doorway, there is no paper, everyone else has a paper except me" (emphasizing on the me for dramatic impact)

And when the paper finally came, I opened it starting from the reverse till I reached the column and I was blown away. For every taurean who was fed-up reading work hard or work harder, today is the week ;)

Yes yes, of course it will not come true but still... exciting stuff :) 

Year-end review of God

Firm management: Welcome, please take a seat. I know it's a bit late to do a year-end review, with the new year already, but the firm thought it is a good opportunity to combine the year-end and goal setting for the new year, all together. So lets start with you review shall we.

God: (Smile)

Firm management: So the goal set for you were pretty simple, lets see the first one - change sloth's boss. unfortunately not much progress on that front. It remains the same and if I may add it is getting worse.

God: I am working on it, but it will take sometime for Sloth, you see I am trying to get a permanent solution.

Firm management: That brings us to your second goal, speeding-up completion of projects. God you take too long to make any significant progress. This is a fast paced industry and our clients really dont have much patients.

God: I am trying, but it takes so long for Sloth to get the picture, doesnt matter how many bumps I put there, she doesnt seem to take the right path.

Firm management: This brings us to your third goal, communication. You and Sloth seem to have trouble communicating. You need to be crisp and to the point, you cant keep beating around the bush. This industry is all about getting information and analysis out there in the most clear and precise manner. Our clients have a very short attention span.

God: I need to tell her all the points, she needs to know all her options, before the right one comes her way. Hence I find it hard to be brief and precise, you see God is in the details (smile). I do admit a few mistakes get made in-between but there is a point behind each one of them.

Firm management: This brings us back to your final goal, reducing the number of mistakes. You see we need to stop making mistakes. In this industry there is a very low tolerance for mistakes.

God: But with each mistake, Sloth learns something, otherwise it will be a very long and uneventful life. Plus I always make new ones.

Firm management: yes we know and we need to work on that too!

(Pause for dramatic impact)

Firm management: Let us formulate new goals for you, for 2012.
First: Change Sloth's boss
Second: Let's work on being more efficient on completion of projects, maybe you could improve your communication, lets say instead of sending bad gut feeling before something goes bad, let it not happen. And if you feel Sloth is taking the wrong decision, maybe you could put a billboard up and say "WRONG".
Third: The finish product needs to be client ready, we cant keep double checking everything you do. So maybe you could try to get it right the first time.

God: I will try, I am working very hard, its a process you know. Each time you learn something new and come up with a inbuilt prevention mechanism. And it is important to know what is around the bush, so finally when you find your spot you know its your spot.

Firm management: God this explanation will not fly with any organisation and Sloth is not a person who will let this situation drag on.

God: I will try to work on it. (Gulp)

Funny God's review sounded so much like mine, looks like I am not the only one with a bad boss. Maybe we should give him a chance, as we all expect one. I realize this is a confusing post so wanted to add a clarification - God's boss is me and Firm management is just intermediating and transferring my feedback to God. 

To live in fear

is to live a compromised life.
It is to accept people who are imperfect in the wrong places
 it is to accept a day which is more like a prison sentence rolled-up into 24 hours
 To accept the passing of time instead of moments. 

Life

Life is all about finding the degrees of pain you can handle. It never really goes according to our plans, nothing really flows as it is supposed to. People lose their kids, the worst kind of pain for parents; Lovers have their heart broken slightly less painful. Horrible things happen to innocent people and to the innocent, a life long pain. How are we supposed to learn from this pain, how is it supposed to make us stronger, when all it does is makes us want to fall apart. You grow-up when you realize the best safety net is you; you become strong by telling yourself this too shall pass. I think life is to be survived sometimes; just making it to the end of the finish line is all that God asks us. I am not sure about the learning bit, but I am certain we are supposed to preserve the qualities that we were born with – to be curious, even when life seems dull, to be hopeful even when all you want to do is hide, to be kind even when you are kicked on a daily basis. To not let anything or anyone make you bitter, to change who you are. To go through life without letting the bumps run deep. 

The Help

The first 30 mins of this movie, you might end-up praying that the friend you dragged to see the movie, doesnt dose off, but thats about all the praying you will do throughout the movie. It is amazing to see how it builds up, how they start of with slightly dull characters and bring it to life by introducing the soul of the film - Minny. When she comes in with her you cant mess with me, combined with heart of a kid, the movie takes flight. You learn something about how to tell a good story from this film, how to present the plainest layer first and then peal it down to show you all the colours possible. Like a beautiful cake, but its beauty lies inside out. Many reviewers of this movie felt it didnt address the civil rights issue, that it was too happy a film, but I say those people are idiots. This film never looses the plot, doesnt try to be a historical film, doesnt try to get confused with out and out bravery. It shows a subtle bravery and never looses the focus from the stories of the women in the film. It will make you laugh, it will make you clap and most importantly, you will come out with tears of joy.

Verdict: Bloody Brilliant!

I cant take it anymore

Every time I find myself back to square one
One step forward, two half steps back
Back in time, unwinding whatever I have achieved
Achieving the possible, giving up on the realms of dreams
Dreaming to escape reality
Reality beckons shattering my illusions
Illusions takeover, taking me back to square one.

Black rain - by jack savoretti

This is a beautiful song, but for the first time I fell for the lyrics. I generally like the music and never listen to the lyrics, but this songs is amazingly relavant. It sad more people are not listening to this guy. 

Lyrics - 


A dirty rain is falling at my feet
And people walk pretending not to see
And I don't know why everybody wants what they don't need

It's everybody's world, one man's grave
And heaven only knows what's hidden up this late
Using diamonds, clubs, and spades, he'll win your heart
And build a house of cards
And build a house of cards

'Til we all fall down
And we all fall down
Watch us all fall down
Like black rain

The building's getting tall; watch it scrape the sky
Can't see the stars at all through the city lights
When the fuel runs low, who cares if we're getting high?
It's not the things you know, but the things that you deny

That make us all fall down
And we all fall down
Watch us all fall down
Like black rain
Like black rain
Like black rain

A dirty rain is falling at my feet
And people walk pretending not to see
And I don't know why everybody wants what they don't need

Well we all fall down
'Til we all fall down
Watch the oil fall down
Like black rain
Like black rain

Life - walking the line

When I was kid (I know, but bear with me) I use to think life will get better as I growup. Every stage I use to pray I get to the next phase of my life. When my parents fought I wished I started working and lived on my own, when I had a bad day in school I wished I was in college. When I was in college I told myself all I needed to get a job. It seemed my life was and is nothing but waiting for the next step. Now when I am working, I cant wait to leave it and go back to studying anything. I had an idea about myself, when i was in school, that one day someone would find me and pronounce I possessed some unique talent, that no IQ test ever could.  I felt that there was something special about me and all I needed to do was be a little braver and that would happen as I get older.

But now, as I walk towards the middle of my life - between the prime and before midlife - I no longer look towards the next phase of my life. I am getting the feeling that this is as good or as easy as it gets. This is the prime of my life, everyone I know, everyone I love is alive and well. This is as good as it gets. I think the reason why kids are so happy, always smiling is because their life, their present is their dream world. Its the grown-ups who run away towards their dream worlds, comparing 'what is' to 'what could be'. But as kids we are happy with anything, everything is special even a cardboard box.

I was never born scared, or worried, I became. As a kid I was a dare devil, the kind that jumped into another baby's pram at 7 months and gave her a kiss. The kind that slapped a boy just because he stopped me from drawing on the board. That was me.

Life is not a straight line, nobody gets it right in the first go, you keep going back and fourth. We shouldn't compare our lives, to an idea of what it should be, because there is still more to come.

Dedicated to my classmate Anshul

Some of my favorite movies

I was trying to make this background of my blog... but the file size was too big... so decided to make it a post. This is not a complete list, these are the movies that come to my mind. I would like to add it is very difficult to make a collage on an imac!

Trying very hard to grow-up

I have realised, despite my serious look (ok tense look), I am still totally kiddish.... I end-up behaving like an absolute child. SO I am trying to improve myself... trying to match my age... unfortunately it is only resulting in me getting more grim..... But I think its important that I succeed at this. Someone very corporate once told me that "Sloth you are one of those ppl who can fall through the cracks". My first boss also told me, " Some ppl are too shy that's why they dont succeed and Sloth you are one of them... in my opinion" (something like that dont remember it was years ago.

Then I saw my own mirror image... actually my 5 years younger self and i thought I cant be this... I dont have enough time left to waste... I cant be lost anymore. I cant be this person anymore.

To quote a famous ass...

Sometimes we should just let people be... not bother to put them in categories, not rush into defining anything, not rush into labeling. Good or bad, trustworthy or not, time will only tell, in the meanwhile.... live and let live.

..... that's me by the way

Crisis and numbers

Today again the crisis reached my shores, this time the beach was different but it had the same impact. I realized why i don't connect with economics, the story gets lost in a barrage of numbers, people get replaced with an inhumane term called labour market. Livelihoods lost becomes unemployment. The inability to afford what you could just days before becomes slowdown in consumer expenditure. The lack of jobs becomes company hiring plans in surveys, the postponement of someone's future plans becomes depressed consumer demand due to de-leveraging. The inability to get a job for long periods of time becomes structural unemployment.  Thousands of people having the worst day of their lives becomes headcount reduction.

A crisis driven by numbers seems to loose its impact if we only see it in number terms. Telling someone that GDP growth will be structurally depressed for the next decade doesn't quite cut it. Tell them that your families' living standard will be impacted for the next ten years.

Just like last time this time it also felt like a storm was brewing and people were scared and strangely united. I never felt more connected to every person in my office, my personal silo was invaded by a common invader. Economics takes a very human experience and dehumanizes it, making it unrelatable. Sometimes its better to know the story behind that one statistic, rather than focus on the big picture. We loose out in the big picture.

Quote

Don't be sad, someone somewhere in the world is having a far worse day
..... Sloth

Two Bits (1995)

A beautiful movie about a little boy and his grandfather set against the background of the great depression. The grandfather is played by Al Pacino, if that is still not good enough to remove all doubts about the movie, then read this summary. During the great depression there is shortage of everything from chicken to vegetables and obviously money. The little boy wants to watch a movie at La paloma for which he needs two bits. His family consists of a single mother and his grandfather. The grandfather promised to leave a quarter for his grandson when he dies, but the boy doesn't believe his grandfather will die anytime soon and decides to take matters into his own hands. He takes up odd jobs  which lands him into trouble. The movie doesn't paint a picture the world full of good people instead shows a variety of bitter and dark people but never fully explores it, focusing always from the kids perspective. The kid manages to navigate the complex and mangled world of adults without loosing his focus of seeing a movie at La paloma. The movie shows that sometime its better to be kid, their simplicity is more powerful in dealing with a world with limitations rather than the limited mind of an adult.

The most beautiful part of the movie is when the grandfather explains the difference between needs and wants -

He says "Your belly needs. Your heart wants. That's the difference"  


Never stop wanting.