Merry Christmas

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas ...

This is called quelling, using paper strips :)

Life

It's still raining huh?.... I cant remember it raining so hard earlier, lucky everything will be indoors I guess.

No I don't think its ever rained this hard before... yes lucky everything is indoors.

I will just go and see what Jonny is upto.

Sure, thank you ...

I cant remember his name, was he from my side of the family or Peter's.

You are welcome Jenny... I will be back in a jiffy... Its Hank by the way ... we met at the Christmas party last year.

Oh yes, I am sorry, my mind has been a bit fuzzy.

No problem dear... I completely understand.

The Christmas party, why cant I remember him...

Jenny you want something to drink or eat... the ceremony doesn't start until an hour.

Thanks aunty Helen, I am fine.

Its raining so hard.... hope it stops.

Yeah...

why cant I remember him, the Christmas party, ... this rain when will it stop.... Peter hates the rain... he loves the sunshine... the beach...he hates the dampness.... he hates it. I use to love cloudy days, the dampness of the rain.... I would love the strong breeze... the thunder in the clouds... as if some massive war was raging above us... it seemed as if so much was going on... but Peter loved sunshine, clear days.... among the both of us he was sunshine... I don't know what I was... I bring so little to the relationship... while Pete would fill the room... like a cool breeze on a hot summer's afternoon...

Jenny the caterers would be late... the weather is holding them up, but don't worry I think the guest will be late also... also father Carmel will be here in an hour.

Thanks aunty Helen.

No worries dear... let me know if you need anything. Kara is here.

Who invited her... Who invited her... how can she come.... how dare she. I cant believe I fought with Peter over her...he kept saying...

There is nothing going on Jenny... we just work together...that's all... why are you acting like this.

How can she come...

Hi, Jenny how are you... I just wanted ...

Please excuse me Kara.

Sure Sure... Jenny

How can she come.... but she doesn't know... Peter kept saying nothing was going on.... but I remember I remember that touch...the way she put her hand on his hand.... I remember seeing it in slow motion... when we bumped into her at the market. I felt like I could see each second pass, my mind was trying to stop her hand with my gaze. The way she nudged him. Who talks like that o a colleague.

Jenny darling you are over reacting, I am telling you she is just a colleague, she does that with everyone... that is just a part of her personality.... darling ...jenny

Jenny, Jenny dear... Peter's mother is here... Jenny?

Oh yes aunty Helen... where is s... oh hello Mrs adams. would you like anything to drink... the priest will take an hour.

No no dear, I wanted to see how are you holding up... you sure you don't need any help with anything... I wanted to talk to u before the it started....I want you to have this... Peter was angry at me for not giving this to you...

What is it?

My wedding ring... you have to forgive me dear... I didn't know you well... I thought he was making a mistake... I didn't know how he felt about you... I didn't know...

Thank you... but I cant keep it

No you have to... Peter is all I ... you have to accept... please... for an old fool's sake.

Thank you... you like something to drink... or please sit down. You look tired.

No its fine... no its fine...I just felt you two were moving too soon... you had just met... you have to see it from my view...you had just met...

Come on Marry let the girl be....

Let me know if you need anything Jenny...

Yes Mr Adams... thank you.

She is right we did meet and move too soon. He just saw me across the room... I dint know his name nothing... I was new to the city... he was just standing across the room... against the brick wall... I could still see his golden curls against the red bricks... his blue check shirt... his eyes... green... all the colours just didn't match... he stood out against that red brick wall... he just saw me right across the room... he started to walk towards me... I knew he was... I knew he was not going to anyone else... I walked a few steps back... thought of polite ways to flee... by the time I turned my head... I ... he was just there right in front his green eyes looking straight... like a cool breeze... he seem to have no doubt that he was welcome... he never had that doubt... where ever he went, he always thought he was welcomed... he that that blond in your face look... you couldn't miss him...

So you are new here, aren't you ?

Yes, yes I am not..  I DONT THINK I know you...

Yeah don't worry I am working on that ...

Oh god that annoying smile and wink... he didn't even know me.. he just cant wink at me....

I am Peter... I was Tim's roommate... and you are?

Jenny... I work in the same office as Tim... excuse me I need to go ...

Go where ... I am still working on that ... getting to know you bit...

Would you stop that winking think.... please stop.... its bad manners

Ha ha... what else annoys you ... I want to know.

At the present moment you annoy me.

Ha ha ... ok so good looking guys and winking what else?

EXCUSE me

Jenny Jenny.. Father Carmel is here...Jen

My child I am sorry for the delay...the rain was just too much...

 
*TO BE Continued *
 

Glass painting

Camel Glass Colours (Solvent based): Rs 165

One plain glass: Rs 120

Negative post

When I see all these discovery programmes the ones on the solar system, and they talk about how big the solar system is, how big the universe is. How rare life is and then I think about my existence which is dominated by issues such as loosing my job, worrying about people in my family, worrying if I will die alone, if I will live those isolated lives. The horror stories you hear on the news of 60 year old woman found dead in her house after one week, due to foul smell. And then I see these programmes on TV which talk about our planet, our life, evolution. The amount of time it took for us to develop eyes and how that is linked to higher brain function. And then I go back to my horror scenario where I have no life, no friends. I worry about my youth, I worry one day wrinkles will come and I am still living my life just the way it is. IT is getting unbearable to live on the weekends, weekdays goes to a job I am not sure how I will keep.

What was the point of all this evolution, dogs are happier than I am. 

The signs of an absent mind

When you apply shampoo on your face instead of your head. So I have very intensely smooth skin and oily hair. I remember one day when I was young I had just finished eating food and instead of taking my plate to the kitchen, I took it to the toilet. I still didn't realise I was in the wrong room! It struck me when I was face to face with the pot, with plate in my hand.

Image: courtesy Dancsblog

Money

This going to sound odd that I am doing this calculation now after 5 years of working, yes 5 continuous years of working. I started to think about what is the right salary? all these years I thought from the point of view of how much work I do and the corresponding pay. From that view point my salary is more than sufficient, I update charts for a living!! Then I started thinking from a day to day point of view my expenses were ok, within my budget and I could save a little bit also. But now I am thinking from a longer term perspective, is my salary enough??

To begin figuring out this monumental, fundamental and cornerstone question, let see the big investment items that I would need to live after I retire -

A) A flat, 1BHK from a practical point of view, a small 650 sft flat will do in Mumbai. This will cost at current rates Rs 60 lacs minimum. Resulting in a monthly mortgage payment of Rs 40 thousand per month, assuming I get a loan of Rs 40 lacs.

B) A car. with the number of auto strikes and heavy rains and the fact that affordable housing can only be found in the suburb areas, which are located far away from business areas, hospitals etc. This will cost minimum Rs 5 Lac (including taxes). This will result in a monthly EMI of at least Rs 10 thousand.

C) Day to day living expenses. For a single person this would include clothing, food, electricity, mobile connection, electricity, shopping. At least Rs 20 thousand per month.

D) Insurance and investment. You need to save money and also spend on life insurance, medical expenses. Lets keep this at Rs 20 thousand per month.

So this leads to a grand total of  Rs 90 thousand per month. This is bare minimum you should be earning if you have to support yourself long-term and only yourself. Everyone has family, that could easily expand your expenses by Rs 30 thousand per month. Hence for yourself and your family you need a salary of at least Rs 1.2 lacs per month!!!

This is what your company needs to pay you. or you have to find a job that does by the time you are in your mid-thirties.

The fact I am doing this calculation now, after working in the financial services industry for 5 years is well the reason why I am not earning this magical minimum figure. I cut myself a little slack by saying I work for an economics team, so I am most of the time lost in the world of ceteris paribus, with an infinite number of assumptions, so that the world in question resembles science fiction. I now understand why the guys in my office are so obsessed with their salaries. Why all coffee break discussions are revolving around figuring-out the other peoples salary and why people push themselves so hard to suck up to management. Why people go crazy over expensive courses which they don't remotely want to do but end-up doing. In the olden days, people were able to do all these things, buy a house, a car and have enough money saved. Maybe our needs have increased, but what I listed out  is required for comfortable living standard. So this leads me to beg the question - Are OUR EMPLOYERS paying us LESS!!!
 

Malware

Sounds hi-tech no? then what is it doing on this blog... u say? Well I will tell you. Yesterday some female on the phone called she said we need donation for a 5yr old child who needs heart surgery and whose mother has also died! So I said how does one go about donating? This female said are you on the computer, it will only take few mins. That is when my red flag warning went up. So I said no I am not sitting in front of the computer (lie) but tell me the website address. She sms me the address. I opened the website : Projectrit.org . The moment you hit the donate button, a malware gets downloaded called system security antivirus. it pretends to be this authentic anivirus, which says your system has been infected. Multiple boxes open up saying virus bla bla. Then it says click here to fix and then it tries to make you buy it!!! I already had Mcafee.. I am mean what the hell. My four ventricle organ (my heart!!) starts racing and I switch the power off. then I put it on and run a full system scan using the Mcafee. bloody thing says all ok. I say my foot!  I google, and I find this blog which gives step by step instructions. U end up downloading three antivirus programmes. Words like Kill programme, antimalware and  hitman dominate your mind. I still don't know if I am free of that programme and I am too scared to use it for online payments. So my 4 year old laptop shall be used. But my computer is acting a bit odd... not sure it its fully fine yet.

Website: http://malwaretips.com/blogs/remove-system-care-antivirus-virus/

Detachment logic

I had an office colleague who told me about detachment. Back then I remember looking at her and thinking this is nuts... I mean what is the point of going through life if you don't feel your emotions. I never understood it then. I remember saying how can you be detached from your mother. She said, "detachment doesn't mean you cant love her... just be detached". I never got it then. Now after my mother died, I realised its value, death is the ultimate form of detachment. The very fact that I can survive without my mother, is detachment. I realise now what detachment means, you can love someone but always know you will be ok without them. We are all, one complete person from birth to death, we don't need anything spectacular to happen to us, to become complete. Detachment is the best survival mechanism, sick people use it to survive by not getting attached to their bodies, which are failing them. People coming out of bad relationships, use detachment to move on. In misery its easy to be detached, because your present is so depressing, so is your past and the imagined future. Its difficult to attach yourself to anything during bad times, which kind of helps one to get a bigger picture. You are presented with do or die options and you have to choose the do option.

The trick is to be detached when things are going well, not to get attached to your job when you are doing well, not to become one with the person you just newly fell in love with. Because if you can achieve that all it means is that you are not diving in head first, you are ensuring your survival. Have you ever noticed when you read about suicides, they always describe the victims as full of life and high spirited. Maybe feeling every emotion too deeply is putting yourself in danger because life seems to be a process of purging. Every life crisis is about losing some attachment, be it loss of money, family, health etc. You name it, we all do and will go though it. Why we are subjected to it, I don't know. Why this miracle of life is this painful series of purging, I don't know.

My mind

I am not sure if this happens to you, but I tend to visualise things when people speak to me... sometimes only. I remember my boss once saying to me during my review, "this more than a job for you". To which I was horrified.... because I had no clue. I immediately started imagining an ad for the Indian Army and I saw a soldier saluting the flag on top of a rocky hill... with trumpets playing. Recently my boss said, "you are good, you will be ready to hit the floor quickly". This basically means that I have been in the same organization for donkey ages now... so I will need very little training and can start immediately in my new team. To this my mind visualized someone grabbing my neck and banging my head to the floor.

When these visualisations occur, I go silent usually because I am between shock and a trying to control a smile. And then I continue to be silent as I missed my moment to speak and hence remain silent for an eternity. :)

Inferno

So I have been in Florence for the past two weeks and I am currently on a train ride to Venice. I am currently travelling with world famous Harvard professor Langdon and I am on a mission to catch a madman before he unleashes the biblical plague on mankind. How am I doing all this, when A) its a Tuesday and I am supposed to be staring at my office screen. B) I don't have money to go to Florence or Venice or anyplace outside India apart from Thailand. So how you ask? Well I am reading Dan Brown's latest book - Inferno and its damn good I say. Its very much like Da Vinci code, its about finding meaning in ancient symbols. But Da Vinci had lots of information thrown at you. I remember I had to read some pages twice just to remember stuff, Inferno is simpler, easier to follow. It still tells you a lot about Florence and the city's beautiful monuments, most whose names I cant remember. The difference between the two books is that after Da Vinci, I felt like a bloody genius, I really did. While reading inferno I feel like a well informed historian, like one of those cool people who know something about every topic. The ones who go like, "Did you know that...". I am no book reader, but a movie lover instead. But I know one thing, a well written book can take you places, where a beautifully created movie never can.

 

My attempt - Torcettini

I tried to make these Italian biscuits over the weekend for two reasons, so that the weekend passes by and so that I don't think about Monday. The plan worked.... but as for the exotic torcettini, well as this is my blog you will not be flooded with images which are TLC type. You know the perfect white plate on top which golden brown biscuits are present :). Instead you will find this: pale white biscuits despite 25 mins more of baking time. But they taste good. For the recipe see spicy chilli.

 

Is it like this for you too??

Do you ever get the feeling that you are taking your company (that you work for ... not own because that would lead to bankruptcy) for a ride or that you are being paid to just sit in office. Paid well I might add. Is this the normal feeling... the more you study the cushier your job is. On top of that, I have been pushing for a change in profile, why am I doing that when I clearly have not interest in this line. Why am I pushing for things that don't interest me. Well I have a bit of perspective on this, the profile I am pushing for currently had come up two years back also and I didn't apply, because I thought I am not interested in this line, why bother. Then a number of my office colleagues came up to me and said, "what is wrong with you, how could you let this opportunity go?". And I told myself, no point for trying something you know you will get bored off or worse will not be able to excel in. But that strategy did not pay off as in my current profile, things turned for the worse. I missed up work and got nicely blown to bits. Then I was able to turn it around and get my act together and this opportunity came again. Again I felt now I should try, so that no one can say I didn't. But then something inside of me is a bit scared, maybe its because its a change (a very small change) and I am generally scared of change. but I needed to do something, anything. I couldn't continue meandering. my life had seemed to plateaued and I thought I must push. But I do agree its easier to live life doing something you love, rather than something you manage doing.

Most wise people say focus on the present, as that is all you have. Its still difficult thing for me to do, but I am getting better at it. I realised during bad times, when the idea of the future is terrifying, living in the present gets better. Right now my life is not plateaued, it is either on an incline upwards or steep fall downwards.

By the way do let me know if you feel your jobs are a sham? whoever reads this blog, let me know.

Marriage

Getting married, not married yet, staying married!!!! so much pressure and all for what. Why is it that mothers think that getting married is more important than "who" are you getting married to! How does marriage guarantee anything. Does it guarantee protection - NO, most rapes are done by monsters known to the victim. Does it guarantee lifetime of companionship - NO, get diagnosed with a horrible disease and see you better half disappearing. Does it guarantee no more loneliness - NO, people can feel lonely in a crowd and not feel lonely when they are alone by themselves. What does marriage guarantee: good times when things are going smoothly - Maybe, but then what is a point. What is a point of seeing your kid as a failure based on a future event which may or may not result in happiness. What is the point. And pray please tell me, when the hell did being independent and self sufficient become a bad thing!

Short-term

As my life is currently dangling over a cliff... I have decided to focus on a few short term goals. Small stuff that I use to take for granted. There are the following:

1) watching the movies I will miss for maybe the whole of this year. I already have two I missed - crooks and yeh jawani hai deewani.

2) make short trips to Mumbai and finally place my ass firmly there. Like a flag on a battle ground, claiming this is mine.

3) learn to drive and hopefully buy a car.

4) look pretty again... aka wear nice clothes and stuff.

My wish

I don't want my life to be a tragedy... I don't want to look at my circumstance and think there is no hope. I want to think, despite the risk, despite everything pointing downwards. I would like to think that I am lucky and that I continue to be considered a funny light hearted (some would say light headed person). I no longer mind people making fun of me, I see it as a blessing that my life hasn't been so very bad... so that people don't look at me with pity.

I don't want to look at myself with pity... I want to consider myself as lucky... I would like to put myself in the creamy layer of life. There are moments in life when you know that how you react now will define the rest of your life. I am in that moment and I am praying that when I come out on the other side, my life, my ending, is happy.

Predictions

My family specializes in predicting the future, aka astrology. I don't remember a single prediction come true, except one. That is a success rate of one in thousands and thousands of predictions. I do believe we have to go through a certain set of events. Many things are out of our control, sickness, external factors over which we have no control. But I am slowly coming to the conclusion, that there is no point in knowing the future, especially if the prediction method is flawed. And to add to this what is the point, of knowing your life is going to be hell a year from now, why ruin this year. Its like doctors telling you that you have six months of good health left. Sometimes mysteries are good for us, the idea that anything is still possible, just the idea is so important for personal happiness. Why rob someone of that, why remove the element of anything is possible.

Possibilities, now that is something to be preserved, what we will go through, we have to, but its better if the possibilities are still alive. And please don't self sabotage yourself, there are enough other people to do it for you, don't add yourself to that list. Be your best friend, because we need all the help we can get. Be in your corner and punch life in the face!

Definition

To know who you are. To know every fine line where you end and begin, is important. Because if you meet life without a clear idea of who you are, you cant shape it. Its like painting on water, you need to have a clear idea of what you want to paint, otherwise it becomes one big grey mess. While you are defining yourself, make sure its independent of anything that you can touch or see. Independent of beauty as it will fade. Independent of what you do, as it will change. Independent of who you are with, because they will go. Independent of events, because they may or may not happen. Independent of your body's strength, as time will rob you of it. Define yourself on something that time, people, destiny  cant take away from you.

Your definition should be independent, as independent as you want to be. I keep seeing everyone around me, wanting life to fall into a pattern. A successful job, money, marriage, a house, a car, kids, successful kids, grand kids. If any or all of these things don't fall into place, we lose our identity. Who are we if one of these things take a miss step, suddenly our life doesn't seem to matter. Our past, present and future are irrelevant because of a list of events. The fact that we are alive doesn't seem to matter because of a list. Who made this list and this list keeps changing. The concept of marriage didn't exist in the stone age. It didn't matter if your kids were successful during the great depression, everyone was just happy to survive. It didn't matter if you didn't own a house during times of slavery, all people wanted was their freedom. Don't define yourself based on anything you can see or touch. Define yourself on something only you can feel and believe in. Don't put a value on your existence, because you cant and it is not something that was meant to be valued. There is no market for it and it cant be summed up in a few numbers or a few lines. Even great men have flaws, even flawed men have great times. Just know who you are, not your value, just who you are.

Love on streets of mumbai

I remember being stuck in a traffic jam on my way to office. There are eight traffic lights, which I counted one day, as I found it odd that I was getting super tense every morning. On this particular day, while I helplessly looked at the red coloured light, which turns green for 30 seconds and remains red for 2 mins or sometimes even longer. I saw this couple on a bike, the guy was riding the bike and the female was sitting behind him. She seemed lost in her world, I guess the heat must have got to her. But every few seconds with a blank expression on her face, she would gently put her chin down on his shoulder, oblivious to the profound effect of happiness it produced on his face. Every time she rested her chin on his shoulder, his mouth would break open into a smile. She would then lift her chin up and his smile would subside, chin down, smile back.

Another day on the same crossing waiting for the fabled but hardly ever seen green light, another couple were on a bike. The female got off and crossed the road. The guy didn't take his eyes off until she was safely on the otherside. She then would keep turning back to say bye and his eyes were always there to meet hers.

Is it the traffic jam or I think bikes are more romantic means of travel. The great thing is doesn't matter how hot it is, the exhaust fumes, the tarmac road radiating heat, the noisy honks, love always finds a way to make life a little soft. 

Mother of all observations!

You cant love anyone, if you don't love yourself. You just cant. You will be so preoccupied with your own flaws that you will not have the time to see the other person. Every unrelated thing, you will relate to you. Everyday you will add a brand new chain.

There is a funny thing about life, its like water, it always finds its level and that level is what you think about yourself. Sooner or later, it will match what you think you deserve. Your eyes becomes everyone else's. Life levels with you, if you think you are not special, so wouldn't everyone.  All that matters is what you think about yourself. All you need to do is look at yourself a little longer, till you see the time and effort put into making you.  The twists and turns, the ups and downs, the bumps, the constant clashes, everything that needed to fall into place to lead up to you. For each unique person, there is a unique story that begins and ends with you. You star in it.

As I get older, I like that fact that I am beginning to look past the fear. The fear hasn't gone, but I can see beyond. I can handle myself better, learn to let go, break my boundaries once in awhile. Walk in a zig-zag but not a straight line. And the best bit is all of me is able to match my expectations, which are beginning to grow..... slowly.

Heres to growing up ... slowly :)

If I could hold this moment ....

.... still, I would.
Interrupt time, no more seconds, no more time.
If I could hold this moment in my arms and never let go.
Tell tomorrow goodbye and let go of my past.
Notice each breath, each flicker of life.
If  I could hold this moment in my eyes.
Never blink, never turn away.
Let the breeze pass by, let the stars come and go.
If I could hold this moment in my hands.
and never let go... I would.

Relationships

They start messy and they end messy. But when we are not in them, life is much clearer, more balanced. But we cant wait to fall into a mess. Cant wait to lose yourself, to lose your freedom, peace of mind, simplicity, we cant seem to wait to lose. Doesn't matter how old you get, hard-earned wisdom is thrown out of the window and uncertainty opens the door. We love mysteries, we fall for what makes no sense, what is unstable, unadvisable. We just cant seem to wait.

First attempt at glass painting

Materials required: Glass paints (Rs 90) from Hobby Ideas
                              Glass vase (Rs 1100) from Home Stop

Home improvements

I had these beautiful Diwali lights and I wanted to somehow use them on a daily basis inside my house. So I bought this tall glass vase and put the lights in them :)

Something that keeps bothering me, my career!

Last year's Diwali

Carry on...

... beautiful song by Fun

Well I woke up to the sound of silence
the cars were cutting like knives in a fist fight
and I found you with a bottle of wine
your head in the curtains
and heart like the Fourth of July

You swore and said
"We are not
We are not shining stars"
This I know
I never said we are

Though I've never been through hell like that
I've closed enough windows
to know you can never look back

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Carry on, carry on

So I met up with some friends
at the edge of the night
At a bar off 75
And we talked and talked
about how our parents will die
All our neighbours and wives

But I like to think
I can cheat it all
To make up for the times I've been cheated on
And it's nice to know
When I was left for dead
I was found and now I don't roam these streets
I am not the ghost you are to me

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Whoa
My head is on fire
But my legs are fine
After all they are mine
Lay your clothes down on the floor
Close the door
Hold the phone
Show me how
No one’s ever gonna stop us now

Cause we are
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are
On our darkest day
When we’re miles away
Sun will come
We will find our way home

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Carry on, carry on