Is it like this for you too??

Do you ever get the feeling that you are taking your company (that you work for ... not own because that would lead to bankruptcy) for a ride or that you are being paid to just sit in office. Paid well I might add. Is this the normal feeling... the more you study the cushier your job is. On top of that, I have been pushing for a change in profile, why am I doing that when I clearly have not interest in this line. Why am I pushing for things that don't interest me. Well I have a bit of perspective on this, the profile I am pushing for currently had come up two years back also and I didn't apply, because I thought I am not interested in this line, why bother. Then a number of my office colleagues came up to me and said, "what is wrong with you, how could you let this opportunity go?". And I told myself, no point for trying something you know you will get bored off or worse will not be able to excel in. But that strategy did not pay off as in my current profile, things turned for the worse. I missed up work and got nicely blown to bits. Then I was able to turn it around and get my act together and this opportunity came again. Again I felt now I should try, so that no one can say I didn't. But then something inside of me is a bit scared, maybe its because its a change (a very small change) and I am generally scared of change. but I needed to do something, anything. I couldn't continue meandering. my life had seemed to plateaued and I thought I must push. But I do agree its easier to live life doing something you love, rather than something you manage doing.

Most wise people say focus on the present, as that is all you have. Its still difficult thing for me to do, but I am getting better at it. I realised during bad times, when the idea of the future is terrifying, living in the present gets better. Right now my life is not plateaued, it is either on an incline upwards or steep fall downwards.

By the way do let me know if you feel your jobs are a sham? whoever reads this blog, let me know.

Marriage

Getting married, not married yet, staying married!!!! so much pressure and all for what. Why is it that mothers think that getting married is more important than "who" are you getting married to! How does marriage guarantee anything. Does it guarantee protection - NO, most rapes are done by monsters known to the victim. Does it guarantee lifetime of companionship - NO, get diagnosed with a horrible disease and see you better half disappearing. Does it guarantee no more loneliness - NO, people can feel lonely in a crowd and not feel lonely when they are alone by themselves. What does marriage guarantee: good times when things are going smoothly - Maybe, but then what is a point. What is a point of seeing your kid as a failure based on a future event which may or may not result in happiness. What is the point. And pray please tell me, when the hell did being independent and self sufficient become a bad thing!

Short-term

As my life is currently dangling over a cliff... I have decided to focus on a few short term goals. Small stuff that I use to take for granted. There are the following:

1) watching the movies I will miss for maybe the whole of this year. I already have two I missed - crooks and yeh jawani hai deewani.

2) make short trips to Mumbai and finally place my ass firmly there. Like a flag on a battle ground, claiming this is mine.

3) learn to drive and hopefully buy a car.

4) look pretty again... aka wear nice clothes and stuff.

My wish

I don't want my life to be a tragedy... I don't want to look at my circumstance and think there is no hope. I want to think, despite the risk, despite everything pointing downwards. I would like to think that I am lucky and that I continue to be considered a funny light hearted (some would say light headed person). I no longer mind people making fun of me, I see it as a blessing that my life hasn't been so very bad... so that people don't look at me with pity.

I don't want to look at myself with pity... I want to consider myself as lucky... I would like to put myself in the creamy layer of life. There are moments in life when you know that how you react now will define the rest of your life. I am in that moment and I am praying that when I come out on the other side, my life, my ending, is happy.

Predictions

My family specializes in predicting the future, aka astrology. I don't remember a single prediction come true, except one. That is a success rate of one in thousands and thousands of predictions. I do believe we have to go through a certain set of events. Many things are out of our control, sickness, external factors over which we have no control. But I am slowly coming to the conclusion, that there is no point in knowing the future, especially if the prediction method is flawed. And to add to this what is the point, of knowing your life is going to be hell a year from now, why ruin this year. Its like doctors telling you that you have six months of good health left. Sometimes mysteries are good for us, the idea that anything is still possible, just the idea is so important for personal happiness. Why rob someone of that, why remove the element of anything is possible.

Possibilities, now that is something to be preserved, what we will go through, we have to, but its better if the possibilities are still alive. And please don't self sabotage yourself, there are enough other people to do it for you, don't add yourself to that list. Be your best friend, because we need all the help we can get. Be in your corner and punch life in the face!

Definition

To know who you are. To know every fine line where you end and begin, is important. Because if you meet life without a clear idea of who you are, you cant shape it. Its like painting on water, you need to have a clear idea of what you want to paint, otherwise it becomes one big grey mess. While you are defining yourself, make sure its independent of anything that you can touch or see. Independent of beauty as it will fade. Independent of what you do, as it will change. Independent of who you are with, because they will go. Independent of events, because they may or may not happen. Independent of your body's strength, as time will rob you of it. Define yourself on something that time, people, destiny  cant take away from you.

Your definition should be independent, as independent as you want to be. I keep seeing everyone around me, wanting life to fall into a pattern. A successful job, money, marriage, a house, a car, kids, successful kids, grand kids. If any or all of these things don't fall into place, we lose our identity. Who are we if one of these things take a miss step, suddenly our life doesn't seem to matter. Our past, present and future are irrelevant because of a list of events. The fact that we are alive doesn't seem to matter because of a list. Who made this list and this list keeps changing. The concept of marriage didn't exist in the stone age. It didn't matter if your kids were successful during the great depression, everyone was just happy to survive. It didn't matter if you didn't own a house during times of slavery, all people wanted was their freedom. Don't define yourself based on anything you can see or touch. Define yourself on something only you can feel and believe in. Don't put a value on your existence, because you cant and it is not something that was meant to be valued. There is no market for it and it cant be summed up in a few numbers or a few lines. Even great men have flaws, even flawed men have great times. Just know who you are, not your value, just who you are.

Love on streets of mumbai

I remember being stuck in a traffic jam on my way to office. There are eight traffic lights, which I counted one day, as I found it odd that I was getting super tense every morning. On this particular day, while I helplessly looked at the red coloured light, which turns green for 30 seconds and remains red for 2 mins or sometimes even longer. I saw this couple on a bike, the guy was riding the bike and the female was sitting behind him. She seemed lost in her world, I guess the heat must have got to her. But every few seconds with a blank expression on her face, she would gently put her chin down on his shoulder, oblivious to the profound effect of happiness it produced on his face. Every time she rested her chin on his shoulder, his mouth would break open into a smile. She would then lift her chin up and his smile would subside, chin down, smile back.

Another day on the same crossing waiting for the fabled but hardly ever seen green light, another couple were on a bike. The female got off and crossed the road. The guy didn't take his eyes off until she was safely on the otherside. She then would keep turning back to say bye and his eyes were always there to meet hers.

Is it the traffic jam or I think bikes are more romantic means of travel. The great thing is doesn't matter how hot it is, the exhaust fumes, the tarmac road radiating heat, the noisy honks, love always finds a way to make life a little soft.